Fear and Darkness

When I was little I used to be scared of the dark. I would refuse to walk upstairs in my own house without my parents going up first to turn on the lights. And then when it was time to go to sleep, I would insist that one of my parents stay upstairs until I fell asleep. Cole, my younger brother, had this same fear. It's a crippling fear because it limits a person... if I wanted something upstairs at night and my parents didn't want to go upstairs with me to get it, then I was out of luck.

Last weekend I came to realize that this fear of the dark never really went away. Our house had quite a few friends over to play Body Body and I soon learned... I am still scared of the dark. Body Body is this fun game like mafia where everyone wanders around a dark house and there is one person who is the "killer." They kill people by grabbing their arms. When you are killed, you drop to the ground and are silent. If you stumble upon a dead body, you scream "BODY, BODY!" Then everyone deliberates who they think the killer is. It's really fun, but incredibly scary, especially in the McMansion. Let me tell you, when all the lights are off in the McMansion it is one creepy place. The third floor might as well seem like a dark abyss where the scariest of scary things occur. My fear of the dark, once again, limited me. I was scared to venture off into all parts of the house because it was simply too dark and I couldn't see what was coming and I couldn't trust that I wouldn't run into something quite unfriendly. Therefore, my fear was limiting  me. 

You see, fear is like that... it limits us.

Fear is not just limiting in simple games or when I was little, it limits us in our relationships with the Lord. My fears limit me in my relationship with my Heavenly Father who adores me more than anything in the world.

Fear causes me to not trust the Lord the way that He intends for me to and fear causes me to not see myself how the Lord sees me... That's a problem... And it's one that I haven't quite figured out the answer to.

What am I so afraid of? 

I am afraid of waking up when I am 40 years old and realizing that my life is just mediocre.
I am afraid the people that I love do not know that I love them because I don't tell them enough.
I am afraid the Lord may call me to place that I don't think I am ready for.
I am afraid that I am going to miss out on memories.
I am afraid my friends are going to one day stop wanting to be my friend.
I am afraid of people seeing me fail.
I am afraid of not living up to people's expectations of me.
I am afraid of losing my passion for the Lord.
I am afraid I am one day going to begin to fall for the lies that the world is trying to tell me.
I am afraid that I am not going to follow the Lord's will for my life.
I am afraid of upsetting those around me.
I am afraid of graduating and not having anything to do.
I am afraid of being vulnerable.
I am afraid of failing God.

Each of these fears limits me in some way or another... and I am tired of it. I am tired of being afraid... It's exhausting (Taylor Swift reference friends- Me and fear are never ever getting back together). I have been realizing these fears for a while now. Some of them are ones that go way back and some of them are fears that have just recently developed. Either way, I am ready for these fears to go.

When I was recently reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning I was struck by two things:

1. God's grace is abounding and that grace washes away fears.

"Living by grace inspires a growing consciousness that I am what I 

am in the sight of Jesus and nothing more." - Brennan Manning

2. Our Savior calls us to freedom... freedom of fear.

"He calls ragamuffins everywhere to freedom from the fear of death, 

freedom from the fear of life, and freedom from anxiety 

over our salvation." - Brennan Manning

I need to come to understand God's grace more. I need to understand the power of His grace that is unending and I need to full wrap my head around how much the Lord loves me. 

In John 15, Jesus says, "As the Father has loved me, that's how I love you, now abide in my love."

I want to learn to truly abide in His love... to truly dwell in His love. In those moments, all of those fears will begin to fade away. When I am so enamored with Him, those fears will no longer have a grip on me. 

Lord, I am sorry that I am giving into those fears. I am sorry that I believe the lies that these fears should be real and are valid. God, take away these fears. I am no longer defined by these fears, Jesus, I want to be defined by You. I love You.

My Biggest Enemy... Grey.

I have been thinking about this post for a while now and how to best articulate it all. Needless to say, I learned a ton about myself this summer. A ton. The Lord was really working in my heart and He showed me some things about myself that were hard to hear a little bit.

One of the first things I learned was... I hate emotions. Well not all emotions... I really like the warm, fuzzy ones that involve lots of sparkles and happiness, but the other ones that aren't so positive, like sadness, hurt, jealousy, anger... Yea, those ones, I hate. I avoid them like the plague really. I hate feeling or experiencing those emotions, but they're unavoidable. So when I begin to feel any of them, I try my best to identify the emotion and then I tend to run in the other direction, deny them, or bulldoze through them... whichever seems easiest and most appropriate.

There are a lot of reasons that I have come to dislike negative emotions I think, but the biggest one, is that I really really hate grey. I am not talking about the color grey, I am talking about a muddled, undefined, mess kind of grey. One that is the opposite of black and white.

Negative emotions fit into that grey category because they're usually hard to define. It's hard to really identify an emotion as solely anger or sadness. It's usually a combination of many, and at times, it's hard to even find a single word to describe a feeling other than blah.

Negative emotions are not the only thing that categorize the idea of grey. It's anything that is simply undefined or in a between stage. It's neither black nor white.

I've learned that I really prefer black and white. I like to have full understanding of a situation and to handle it immediately. I like the unknown to be discovered and addressed. If there is a conflict, I want to confront it and handle it and move on. If there are questions, let's ask them. If there is a misunderstanding, let's address it. I want to identify any emotion and wash it away instantly.

I would rather leave the grey, unknown, stuff for other people.

The issue is: I don't have control in the grey area.

The grey area scares me because there is tension and it isn't defined. I can't organize and fix everything when it's in the grey area. I lose control when I am sitting in the grey area.

And God has told me, "It's okay." It's okay to be in the grey area. In fact, it's more than okay to be in grey areas. The Lord calls us to grey areas at times. And for me, He calls me to grey areas because then I have to trust Him more than ever.

Sometimes, we simply must REST.

I don't have to fix everything. I don't have to confront every issue head on as soon as it arises. I don't have to make decisions instantaneously. I don't have to act on every thought. I don't have to identify every emotion.

I must be still.

There's a lot being thrown at me right now since I'm a senior, but I am not going to drive through it. I am going to take it slow and I am going to rest and be still along the way.

By resting and being still, I am TRUSTING the Lord. I trust that His plan is better than my own. I trust that He knows my heart better than I do. I trust that He knows what I will be doing next year even when I don't.

In the midst of learning all of this and realizing it about myself, I went on the Young Life leader retreat at Windy Gap. And there I learned our Young Life area's theme verses...

"Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for Him." - Psalm 37:7 

"Be still and know that I am God." - Psalm 46:10

So I am choosing to hang out in the grey area for a little bit... in the unknown. There may be lots of questions and chaos all around me, but the Lord has this under control. I don't need to fix anything right now or try to figure anything out... the Lord is handling it.

For once, I am going to try to be still and enjoy the grey.

Tarheel Leader Weekend 1.0: Riding Bikes

This weekend was the Tarheel Region Young Life Leader Retreat at Windy Gap in North Carolina. Windy Gap is one of my all-time favorite Young Life camps. It has a very special place in my heart with so many memories from high school and weekends spent on that beautiful property.

This weekend was truly incredible. I was able to relax and really begin to process what coming home from Timber Wolf meant and what it would look like. I learned a ton and I felt God in huge ways. Ty Saltzgiver was the speaker and he did a phenomenal job.

I will have another blog from this weekend I am sure, but for now, I want to share a parable that Ty shared with all of us. It's about riding a bike. And it is just a glimpse into everything I was learning this weekend.

"At first I saw God as my observer, my judge keeping track of the things I did wrong so as to know whether I merited Heaven or hell when I die. He was out there sort of like the president. I recognized His picture when I saw it-- but I didn't really know Him. But later one, when I began to really know Jesus it seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride-- but it was a tandem bike and I began to notice that Jesus was in the back helping me peddle.

I don't know just when it was that He suggested that we change places-- but I tell you LIFE has never been the same since. LIFE lived in a friendship with Jesus that is-- He makes LIFE so exciting.

When I had control, I knew the way and it was rather predictable. The shortest distance between two points was usually the path I took. But when Jesus took the lead, He knew delightful 'long cuts' up the mountains through rocky places at break neck speeds when all I could do was hang on to the bike. Even though it looked like madness-- He said, 'Peddle!'

I worried and I was anxious and I'd ask, 'Where are you taking me?' He'd laugh and He didn't answer. And I started to learn to trust in our friendship and living together. I forgot my boring life and I entered into His adventure. When I'd say, 'I'm scared', He'd lean back and touch my hand. He took me to people with gifts that I needed-- gifts of healing, gifts of acceptance, gifts of joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey-- that is our journey, Jesus and mine. And we were off again and He said, 'Give the gifts away. They are extra baggage-- too much weight.' And so I did. I gave to people we met along the way and I found that in giving I received even more and my burdens became light.

I did not trust Him at first to be in control of my life-- I thought He'd wreck it-- but He knows 'bike secrets'. He knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners-- to jump to clear high rocks-- to fly to shorten scary passages and I'm learning to just shut up and peddle into the strangest places and I am beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze in my face and my delightful constant companion-- my Lord, my true friends, my guide, my Jesus. When I am sure I just can't do it anymore, He smiles, looks back and says, 'Peddle.'"

This parable speaks so much truth to what it means to be in a relationship with Jesus Christ and to be surrendered completely to Him. It is the epitome of what it means to truly trust our Heavenly Father. 

This is just one part of an amazing weekend... so there is definitely more to come as a I process everything that Ty said and everything that the Lord is trying to reveal to me. 

10 Senior Year Rules to Live By

So supposedly I began my senior year today... at 8:00 AM. So that is weird. It was my last first day of class ever. It's kind of hitting me...

I only have one year left. And I want this to be the best year yet. I want this year to be big and full of life. 

I am daring myself to live a little differently this year... to not hold back and to really live. I have set 10 goals or guidelines for this year and I really hope to stick to them.

1.  LIVE PASSIONATELY- I want this to be a year that I live with a passion behind everything that I do. I want to find the things I love and DO them. I want to serve the Lord with a passionate heart. I want to lead my Young Life team passionately. I want to throw my entire heart behind things and I want to passionately declare the Lord's name in all that I do... as you can see, I am all about the passion.
2. LIVE FREELY- It is for freedom, that Christ has set us free (Gal. 5:1) and I want to live like that. It's not every year that I am a 21-year-old senior at the University of North Carolina- Chapel Hill... but it is this year. I am at a point in my life where I am not tied down by a lot and I want to fully embrace that. I don't want to live this year confined by boundaries, but instead I want to run wild and free and experience the freedom that Christ intended for us.
3. BE SPONTANEOUS- Road trip to Nashville? Why not? Fly to Chicago? Sure. Dance in the rain? You betcha. As T-Swift would say, "Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain..."
4. GIVE EXTRAVAGANTLY- I want to be a person this year that is always giving. I want to be able to pour out from the overflow of Christ that is in me. I want to be giving of time to all of the people that are around me. The Lord has blessed me with so many incredible friendships and relationships and I want to give my time to those. I want to be able to truly value the people that are in my life by giving away of myself to them. In Luke 6:30 it says "give to everyone who asks of you" and I want to live that out this year. 
5. DON'T MISS THE SMALL THINGS- One of the biggest things that I learned this summer was to appreciate the small things. In the small things of this summer I experienced the Lord in a completely new way and I felt so incredibly blessed. I want to fully take in Chapel Hill in the fall, the beauty of Saturday football games, the simplicity of coffee in the morning, and the joy of North Carolina weather. I don't want to miss those things at all... therefore, I am going to start another page on this blog where I will post one small thing from everyday that spoke to me. I want it to be a page that shows where I see God everyday.
6. ADVENTURES- This one definitely relates a little bit to the spontaneity goal, but I do want to be adventurous this year. I want to experience God in nature by going on outdoor adventures. I live in one of the best states for outdoor recreation and I want to fully embrace that... so hiking, camping, fishing, fun, here I come!!!
7. EXTEND GRACE DAILY- This is one goal that may be more challenging at times, but it is one that I know is extremely important. The grace that has been given to me by my Heavenly Father is immeasurable and because of that I must extend that grace back out. I want to keep short accounts and I want to live outside of myself.
8. BE BOLD- Enough said.
9. LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY AND ALWAYS- I am currently reading Love Does by Bob Goff and I am beginning to realize that I have a lot to learn on love and a lot of ways that I can improve loving people. Simply put, love does. Love moves things and love changes things and I want to love God, the people around me, my ECHHS  friends, my Young Life team, my Timber Wolf friends all around, and the world in such a new way. 
10. NO EXPECTATIONS- I don't want to live with any expectations this year. My expectations will only limit God. The Lord has taught me that He knows far better than I do and that He has a plan far superior to my own, therefore, I will give my expectations to Him. My only expectation is that the Lord will be faithful.

Let's get it senior year. I'm ready for ya.

An Ode to Sweet Summertime

With only one week left here at Timber Wolf I feel as if it's appropriate to share all the happenings of this summer. It has been a memorable one to say the least.

So here is an ode to sweet summertime in northern Michigan, the place I have called my home for the past three months. It's an ode written in pictures and instagrams. Oh how I have adored this summer. My God is so wonderful.

Well hello, Pure Michigan! I entered this wonderful state from Indiana after visiting Amanda at Taylor University.

One of my first evenings here... Alex starring as Peach from Mario Kart. #laughsonlaughsonlaughs

Joey's America birthday party = kickball + belly laughing + dance party = BEST EVER.

Giant hampster ball led to a lot of pre-camper fun!

How can I not love them?!

The Muskrat Lake Cafe in downtown Lake City has become my home and favorite morning spot. I know all the waitresses and all the regular customers, of which I am one. This place will always have my heart.

Only the best friendly competition... Let it be known: Sushi and I dominated.

Intern Thrift Store Date Night. Enough Said.

MY FAVORITE.

And then there is the fateful day the interns make every single bed on camp.

These girls have seen me at my best and at my worst. I adore them and each of their hearts.

What an awesome day at Cindy and Don's house! This night will include some of my best memories of the summer.

All. Time. Favorite. Picture. Ever.

Bennett, Katie, Danielle, Sushi, Amanda, and I all went to the Detroit zoo... Felt like a kid again and my heart was so happy.

The polar bear exhibit was out of this world.

Such a wonderful day!

Meet Amanda. I have gotten to see this girl every single day this summer. I am so blessed.

First session some of the interns got to be stars in the Opera... somehow I got asked to help. Meet Bennett as the Blue Ox, me as Sugary Sue, and T.C. as Spicy Steve.

So the copier and I have never been friends... Thank you, T.C., for always coming to fix it.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY! Lake City is known for the "Greatest Fourth in the North"

One of the best days off ever... TRAVERSE CITY CHERRY FESTIVAL. Hello, carnival :)

The girls know how to have fun at a carnival. The ferris wheel and fast fast spinny ride will always have a place in my heart.

Yes, that is Fonda. And yes, we are in her trunk... for a drive-in movie at the Cherry Bowl theatre (aka most jank drive in).

The boys have loved us so so well :)

All the interns went tubing down the Manistee River for one day off. It is one of the most relaxing things in the world.

The Bachelorette has been a constant for all the girls of the Swamp. The finale had all the makings of a perfect evening... Jef + brownies + roses + Wesco. Best. Ever.

Thank you, Christina. She is the sweetest Bible Study leader and mentor who has loved us all so well.

Summer night adventures with the girls are the best... Ruby went offroading AND we found the sand dunes. So blessed to spend so many nights with these amazing girls.

And then I had the BEST 21st BIRTHDAY a girl could ever ask for... full of surprises, flowers, and best friends.

There is nothing like seeing Chapel Hill friends in the middle of the summer for Amanda's wedding! Sydney and I roadtripped to Cincinatti to see our dear mentor get married to Nick.

What a beautiful bride and a wonderful woman of Christ. So blessed to have her as my mentor.

Sydney and I adventured on our trip back to Timber Wolf and pit-stopped in Toledo for some fun!

All of the interns made our way to Sleeping Bear Dunes on Lake Michigan. It was a tiring day but so incredibly beautiful.

Lisa came to visit!!! These are all the second-timer interns... much love to them all!

The rover is gonna rove.

#twl2k12 INTERNS.

These pictures cannot even begin to capture all of my favorite moments from this summer. This is just a peek at what this summer has been for me... so many wonderful memories with so many fantastic people. There are not pictures to document all that has happened this summer and all of the times that will forever be in my heart... like...

... the carnival every week with the most marvelous lights

... the fireworks that lit up the sky one night a week and blew kids minds

... all the Wesco trips made with the Wesco Crew (Amanda, T.C., Sush, Danielle, and I)

... the night of dancing in the pouring down rain

... the many evenings spent in the kitchen giving out pizzas to leaders

... the nights of star gazing from the back of the tundra

... the countless meals at Shay Station in Cadillac

... the prank wars

... the 8:00 am wake up call from Bennett to go running

... all the cups of coffee every morning

... the nights spent reading by Lake Missaukee

... all the kids that experienced the best week of their life and went from death to life

... the dance party in the cave

... the steam rolling

... the "daaannngittttt" moments

... the times of playing frisbee golf and hopelessly trying to improve

... the time we jumped in the lake fully clothed after burying T.C. and Bennett in the sand

... the great conversations with best friends

... the time Amanda and I beat T.C. at soccer

... the time T.C. and Sushi went to the Hollywood

... the assigned team parties

... the moments of worship and fellowship

... the property staff appreciation dinner

... all the times Kelly Cooper came to visit

... all of the breakfasts with Smusz

... the fateful morning all of camp lost power

... the time the girls made a music video singing to Hank's beard hair

... and all the moments that are to come in this last week

My God has been faithful. He has blessed us unbelievably here.

When the Glitter is Washed Away

This summer has been one that I will never forget. It has been a summer characterized by a loving God who has captured my heart completely and a summer full of glitter, sparkle, and pure excitement. The Lord has romanced me through all of the little things this summer and I have never felt so loved in my entire life. This summer has been covered with fireworks, smiles, sand dunes, carnivals, marvelous sunsets, true laughter, bubbles, and every thing wonderful. The Lord has consistently been wrapping His arms around me and showing me how much He loves me and adores me. He has met me over coffee, through Timber Wolf, through the people I am surrounded by, and He has put things on my heart that I had never imagined happening. When I look through my journal, I am overwhelmed by all the ways that I have experienced the Lord in such simple, yet extravagant ways this summer.

All of this glitter and sparkle has truly shown me the Lord this summer and has made me fall even more in love with Him. It has brought more joy in my life than I ever imagined.

But the glitter has been washed away the past week and things are not quite as sparkly.

A lot has been going on that has brushed away the glitter and has brought in a dullness and greyness that I never expected. It has now hit me that I leave Timber Wolf in two weeks for what could be forever. I don't know that I'll ever be back on this property... I hope that I will be, but there is no guarantee. This camp property has a piece of my heart that I will never get back. In two weeks I will also be leaving some of my best friends for a very very long time. I don't know that I'll ever get the chance to live with them again... and with them goes another piece of my heart. Along with the realization that I will be leaving in two weeks, a constant buzz of anxiety has fallen on my mind. I am always feeling slightly off and I can never identify why. I am in a constant internal battle with everything the Lord has done in my heart this summer and I never know exactly how I feel. Drew, the landscaping intern, broke his shoulder yesterday and left last night for good. He had to go home for orthopaedic appointments and it was heartbreaking to have him leave so suddenly. There aren't any more sparkles in that. The glitter has been washed away.

The past few days I have been mulling over all of this and these unidentifiable feelings and questions. I have been wrestling with God through countless hours spent by the lake reading and journaling, just trying to figure out what was changing. I have been frustrated by my changing attitude and my increased irritability.

But today, while sipping on a hot coffee at the Muskrat Lake Cafe (my favorite coffee shop in Lake City) it dawned on me that the glitter may have washed away, but the Lord is still very much here and He is still very much the SAME.

Even if, and when, the sparkles start to fade, Jesus is the same beautiful, faithful, merciful, just, good Savior that He has always been. He is the same Lord that loves and adores me, even if there isn't a ton of glitter.

"Jesus Chris is the same yesterday and today and forever." - Hebrews 13:8

Hebrews 13:8 does not change because the glitter has washed away... it simply does not. My God who has adored me and loved me so well this summer still feels the same way about me. And I still feel the same way about Him. My joy comes from the Lord, NOT from my circumstances... therefore, even though my feelings are all over the place I still have joy in the Lord.

When I was sitting in the Muskrat this morning I also read Ecclesiastes 3 and the Lord pointed out a very clear truth to me... there is a time for everything.

"There is a time for everything,

and a seasons for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and time to give up,

a time to keep up and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace."

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

So for me, there is a time for sparkly glitter and a time for grey dullness.

The Lord used the time of sparkles and glitter so perfectly in my life. He did so much work in my heart and He taught me a ton. All of those things are still true, all of the passions and feelings He put in my heart are still there and still hold true... there just isn't a lot of glitter with them. They are raw and they are grey, but the Lord is going to use that as well. He will use the greyness and the unknown for His glory.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." - Ecclesiastes 3:11

And in the end, everything will be made beautiful in its time. The glitter will be beautiful in its time and the greyness will be beautiful in its time.

So from now on, I am going to embrace where I am. I am going to embrace the fact that things aren't sparkly and great, but instead they are broken... but aren't we all broken anyways? The Lord sent His Son to heal that brokenness. So I will give this time to the Lord so that He can work in ways I cannot imagine and so that He can heal things and make things beautiful once again.

In the end, when the glitter is washed away the Lord is still here... ready to heal and make things beautiful once more. 



I Don't.... GOD Does.

I'm in a season of questions. Not me asking questions, but everyone asking me questions. All questions that I don't have an answer for.

What are you doing after college?

How do you plan to use your degree?

Where do you want to live when you are older?

Do you want to be on property staff?

Do you want to do the World Race?

Are you moving back to Greensboro when you graduate?

Do you want to work for Young Life?

Are you going to go to graduate school?

What is your plan for next summer?

Where do you see yourself in five years?

When do you plan on having a boyfriend? Better yet, get married?

Do you want to stay in Chapel Hill after college?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

I just don't know. I really don't have answers to any of those questions. Right now questions about the future are coming from every direction. It's understandable... I graduate in less than a year and then I have no plans. The possibilities are endless and my life outside of school will be beginning. Do I know what I'm going to be doing though? No. Do I know who I will be with in that time? No. Do I even know what I really want? Not really...

The comforting thing is the fact that GOD DOES KNOW. He knows my future and He knows exactly where I will be in five years and He knows all the steps that will get me there.

I am constantly having to remind myself that God...

... "knit me in my mother's womb" (Psalm 139:13)

... made me in His image (Genesis 1:27)

... created me and by His perfect power I exist (Revelation 4:11)

...has His Spirit dwelling in me (1 Corinthians 3:16)

...made me as His "workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works" (Ephesians 2:10)

... numbered the hairs on my head (Luke 12:7)

I am relying on the fact that God has made me and that He already knows what is going to happen... even when I don't. When God made me, He knew the answers to all of those questions... even before I existed.

And better yet...

My Creator will...

... perfect everything that concerns me (Pslam 138:8)

... work all things together for my good (Romans 8:28)

... contend with those who contend with me (Isaiah 49:25)

... fight this battle for me (2 Chronicles 20:15)

... equip me with divine power (2 Corinthians 10:4)

... delight to show me mercy (Micah 7:18)

... meet all my needs according to His glorious riches in Chris Jesus (Philippians 4:19)

... give me grace that is perfectly sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9)

... be my power in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9)

...do immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work within me (Ephesians 3:20)

... have plans to prosper me, not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11)

Those are the things that I am going to cling to in this time. I don't know what I am doing... NOT a clue. But God does.

AND I TRUST GOD AND HIS PLAN FOR ME.

 

The Little Things

While reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning I was struck by the fact that we as Christians miss so much in the world around us. We miss the glorious creation that our Father as so graciously blessed us with because we are distracted. We are distracted by ourselves and the things that we have put in our personal spheres. Manning wrote so perfectly when he said:

"Our world is saturated with grace, and the lurking presence of God is revealed not only in spirit but in matter--in a deer leaping across a meadow, in the flight of an eagle, in fire and water, in a rainbow after a summer storm, in a gentle doe streaking through a forest, in Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, in a child licking a chocolate ice cream cone, in a woman with windblow hair. God intended for us to discover His loving presence in the world around us."        

I don't want to miss it. I don't want to miss God in my surroundings. I don't want to miss all of the blessings that God placed perfectly in His creation. I don't want to miss the little things.

I have made it my goal to notice the little things... to see their value, their beauty, and the ways they so perfectly reflect a marvelous Creator.

So I have made a list of the little pieces of God sprinkled in my world so perfectly. Here are ten to share:

There is nothing that warms my heart more than a hot cup of coffee. I know it may sound silly, but coffee is my love language. I adore nothing more than reading my Bible while sipping on a delicious cup of joe. 

Please note the sparkly nail polish :)

Only a few days ago Amanda, Sydney, Bennett, T.C. and I ran into the lake fully clothed. (All of those fabulous people are my fellow interns.) We ran in after Bennett and T.C. had been buried in the sand for a scavenger hunt. We ran into the water without a care in the world. There was so much freedom in that moment as we splashed into the water and were instantly soaked. It is for freedom that Christ has set us free and in that carefree moment I got to experience the Lord.

The sunrise over the lake here at Timber Wolf is a constant reminder of the newness the Lord blesses our lives with. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17). The sunrise is new every morning and it is a perfect display of how Christ made us new when we first met him and how He continues to make us new daily.

Picture taken by Neal Johnson.

The Lord's justice and righteous wrath is evident in the afternoon thunderstorms that roll in at the most perfect timing. During the thunderstorms I am reminded that the Lord has created this beautiful Earth and that sin has plagued it. The Lord despises that sin and sent His Son to make us clean. In the thunderstorms I am reminded of all the sin in this world and in my life and how He desires to make it clean. He is a just God and He "works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed." (Psalm 103:6).

I never want to forget to cherish the little notes I receive from best friends. They warm my heart and remind me constantly that the Lord has blessed me with wonderful friends. When I walk into the office to find a note from another intern or I receive a card from a friend back home, I am remined that I am so incredibly blessed.

Day ones are the craziest days here at Timber Wolf for me. They are full of chaos and maddness and I absolutely love it, but to be honest, I do get a little stressed. This day one was no different, except this day one I returned back to the Swamp to the sweetest little gift. All of the girl interns had gotten little surprises from the guy interns. My gift was a bag of coffee (please see first "little thing"). It was one of the best little gifts received at the most perfect time and the Lord reminded me, He is in all the little things.

Thank you, manterns!

 Being at a Young Life camp for an entire summer leads to a lot of encounters with little children (usually a part of the assigment team). Getting to know all of the little kids around camp is absolutely a blessing from the Lord. While walking the other day, a little girl I barely knew came up and grabbed my hand. In that moment I was reminded of what it means to have child-like faith. Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whover humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3-4). When she grabbed my hand she did not know everything about me, but she was trusting me to lead her. The Lord daily wants us to grab onto His hand and to follow Him with a child-like faith.

One of the many children around camp who I absolutely adore is Anna. She is the sweetest four-year-old I have ever met and she has such an aurora about her that screams Jesus made her. She is just so carefree and has the biggest heart. She adores all of the interns and I love all of the time spent with her.

Sweetest office visiter

It's the little surprise visits from friends that are a reminder that the Lord loves us so much. He works through surprises and quality time with friends. Kelly Cooper, an intern from last summer, came to visit yesterday for just a few hours and the time spent with her was so wonderful. It was a beautiful depiction of true fellowship. She has a heart after the Lord like no other and she exudes Jesus from her. It may have been just a little visit, but it meant the world to me.

At the beginning of the summer all of the interns went to Cindy and Don's house for dinner. They are married and are both on property staff here at Timber Wolf. Their property was absolutely breath-taking. They own over a hundred acres of land and we got to explore it in order to see Don's hunting spot. Their land was so vast and it made me feel so little. Their land pales in comparison to the vastness of the earth that the Lord created. The vast expanses of the earth are nearly incomprehensible to us as humans (Job 38:18), but the Lord knows them all so perfectly. I am reminded that the Lord is greater than I. It was also on this visit that all of the interns took one of my most favorite pictures of all time.

I felt so loved by everyone when they agreed to take this picture.

Each of these little things has meant so much to me. I love the little things. Through these little things I have experienced the Lord so much and I do not want that to stop. I do not want to wake up one day and not be able to appreciate the little things. So love the little things, because the Lord loves us through the little things.

So Maybe I Like Control

I don't know if it is surprising to you or not, but I have realized that I like control.  It really shouldn't be that surprising to you if you know me because my obsession for organization and detail shouts control-freak.  I never really considered it that large of a problem though because I thought I always desired to be completely in the Lord's will and I always claimed to be obedient to whatever the Lord called me to.  If I was aiming for the Lord's will, then I wasn't really controlling things... or so I thought.

But the truth is, I like control.

I am still trying to discover the root of this control addiction, but I am pretty sure that it lies somewhere in the nasty little booger of insecurity.  That's another topic, for another day though...
I discovered this little need for the control while talking to one of the most wonderful Head Leaders here this session, Katie.  I met Katie  when I was on summer staff here in 2010 and she has been on an assignment here every summer I have been here.  Katie is phenomenal and she cares for people so well.  Katie and I went out to coffee and spent a lot of time talking about the potentials of going on Young Life staff the other day, which eventually led to just talking about life.  She pointed out something in my life that I had never considered before...

I try to control my relationship with the Lord so much that I have put up walls that may be keeping people and things out of my life that the Lord desires to be in my life.

Make sense? I know, it sounds kind of crazy.
It took me a while to come to terms with this little fact and it's taken even more time to figure out the words to describe this desire for control.

So, let's start from the beginning.

The farthest I have ever been from the Lord was the summer after my senior year of high school and the beginning of my freshman year of college.  I was not at all in a community that was pushing me towards the Lord and I was doing things that were not at all glorifying to my Heavenly Father.  I pushed the lines and the boundaries all around me so that I never did anything "too bad."  I could still be considered a Christian, but I didn't have to follow any rules and I could be friends with everyone.

It was my sophomore year of college when I began to realize that I was called to live a life "worthy of the Lord" (Colossians 1).  That was my call... to live a life worthy of the Lord.  Well that seemed scary and not like something I knew how to do.  So... I began setting up boundaries and lines for myself... Lots of them.  It was easier that way. 
I became obsessed with lines, boundaries, and everything black and white.  I needed to follow the guidelines I had set up for myself and not let them budge.  To me, it was the only way that I could guarantee myself that I would still be pursuing the Lord when I was forty.  It was a way for me to control my relationship with the Lord.

When I look back on this and see it for what it's really worth... I have always been scared (and still am some) that one day I will wake up and no longer be pursuing the Lord with such an intense passion and with so much adoration for my Creator.  I am scared that I could lose God.  That is why I have clung so tightly to my lines and boundaries... I didn't want to lose the Lord by slipping into the grey areas again.

Side Note: Lines and boundaries are in fact good and the Lord DOES want us to live a life worthy of the Lord.  He does require that of us... I just took it too far because I was insecure in my relationship with the Lord. 

All of these lines and boundaries that I set up for myself began to dictate my life.  They dictated what I considered to be options for after college.  They dictated who I let into my life.  They dictated the things that I am willing to do.

My lines and boundaries led to walls as I started grasping for control.  In talking to Katie I began to realize that God may be trying to use outside things and people in my life but because of my walls I wasn't letting those things in. 
My fear of losing God led me to not trusting outside influences on my relationship with the Lord... even if God was trying to use those people or things in my life.  My fear of losing God led to me limiting God.  My fear of losing God led to me not fully accepting the freedom that comes with Christ.  That makes no sense because

"it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us FREE." (Galations 5:1)

But today I am releasing this to the Lord. He knows my heart and He knows that I have been doing this, but He loves me all the same. He is in me and I will NOT lose God.

God, forgive me for not trusting You... for not trusting that You are holding onto me. Jesus, You will never let go of me. Thank You for that, God, Thank You. God, break down the walls around me that are limiting You. Take full control, Father.

Delight yourself in the LORD.

A girl's mind goes a mile a minute at times... Well not all girl's minds, but mine does. A lot. It is always thinking about something or is preoccupied in some place. With camp getting into full swing, I have not found an ample amount of time to sit around and process all of the many thoughts that are constantly running through my mind. I would not say that the thoughts are bad. In fact, I would say that many of them are good and the Lord is teaching me a ton. But still.... so many thoughts always running through my head.

Earlier in the week while I was spending time with the Lord my mind was sprinting back and forth in my attempts to journal and write everything down. I was spinning in circles attempting to get all of my thoughts in line and in order. It was in that moment that I came across Psalm 37.

"Trust in the Lord and do good;

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord; 

trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when men succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;

do not fret-- it leads only to evil.

For evil men will be cut off, 

but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land." (3-9)

"If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm;

though he stumble, he will not fall,

for the Lord upholds him with his hand." (23-24)

"Wait for the Lord and keep his way.

He will exalt you to inherit the land;

when the wicked are cut off, you will see it." (34)

The words of this psalm resonated in my heart and pierced so many of my running thoughts. The words of David in this psalm counteracted my running mind so perfectly.... I must slow down.

Trust ... dwell ... delight ... commit ... be still ... wait ... patiently ... do not fret ... refrain ... keep his way ...

Each of those words speak so perfectly to what I needed to hear. The Lord does want to teach me and grow me a ton this summer, but it does not all need to happen at once. I do not need to have it all sorted out today, or tomorrow, or even before I leave Timber Wolf in August. 

Instead God is asking me in this time to trust Him, to dwell in Him, to delight in Him, to commit to my ways to Him, to be still before Him, to wait for Him, to be patient, to not fret, to refrain from anger, and to keep His way.

So I will. I will trust, dwell, commit, be still, wait patiently, not fret, refrain, and keep the Lord's way.