Saturday, April 18, 2015

From Nothing

Over the last two months I have been in 12 different states (I think… maybe more). But definitely 12. For work and for travel, I have been all over the continental United States.

I love traveling, new places, and exploration. There is nothing more satisfying than going to a new places and learning all that I can about it. And there is nothing more rewarding than seeing friends in all of those different places. 

But recently, I think it would be safe to question if I still live in Colorado? (The answer is yes. And I still work at Crooked Creek Ranch.) But my Instagram would not reflect that recently and neither would my heart in some moments.

My roots have not been digging down deep recently. They have not broken any ground, they have been hanging on the surface as I explored Portland, drove across the country, fell in love again with the Blue Ridge mountains, and spent time with some of the dearest friends. 

My roots have not been growing here in Colorado mostly because of my heart and my fears, not because of my traveling. It cannot be blamed on the busyness, but more on the fact that I know that as my roots grow deep they take me places where I do not want to go. 

Because when I am here in the valley, living my day-to-day life I have to face some realities that I just do not want to: 

Most days I am lonely and feel like a crazy friend that is way too sensitive and a smidge bit dramatic. Loving Jesus just isn't the same as it used to be and I don't know that I am really good at it. There are things to be grieved in my life that I just do not want to because that hurts and well, I don't want it to. And amidst all of this I am asking, "Jesus, where are You? Do You care?"

Those are all hard things for me to admit. Like really hard. And I haven't had to admit them when I fly out again in a week and I am over committed throughout the week. 

But today I woke up with not a lot on my plate. My next plane ticket is not booked until June and I am living the simple life here in Fraser, Colorado. 

After a few months of running (and some really awesome adventures) I have succumbed to the fact I am poor in spirit and don't know that I really have much to offer, so in order to stay safe I haven't offered much at all. 

But the poor widow, who had not more than a penny, gave all that she had to Jesus. 

"And he called his disciples to him and said to them, 'Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on.'" 
Mark 12:43-44

A lot of what I have right now feels messy and full of doubt, so I have been scared of giving anything to Jesus. But He wants it all, everything: the questions, the loneliness, and the confusion. 

So I am going to try to give it all to Him, to be laid bare before the Author and Perfecter of our faith. And to trust that the Lord is not upset with my sad, little roots, but that He is guiding me in safety. 

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