Last weekend I came to realize that this fear of the dark never really went away. Our house had quite a few friends over to play Body Body and I soon learned... I am still scared of the dark. Body Body is this fun game like mafia where everyone wanders around a dark house and there is one person who is the "killer." They kill people by grabbing their arms. When you are killed, you drop to the ground and are silent. If you stumble upon a dead body, you scream "BODY, BODY!" Then everyone deliberates who they think the killer is. It's really fun, but incredibly scary, especially in the McMansion. Let me tell you, when all the lights are off in the McMansion it is one creepy place. The third floor might as well seem like a dark abyss where the scariest of scary things occur. My fear of the dark, once again, limited me. I was scared to venture off into all parts of the house because it was simply too dark and I couldn't see what was coming and I couldn't trust that I wouldn't run into something quite unfriendly. Therefore, my fear was limiting me.
You see, fear is like that... it limits us.
Fear is not just limiting in simple games or when I was little, it limits us in our relationships with the Lord. My fears limit me in my relationship with my Heavenly Father who adores me more than anything in the world.
Fear causes me to not trust the Lord the way that He intends for me to and fear causes me to not see myself how the Lord sees me... That's a problem... And it's one that I haven't quite figured out the answer to.
What am I so afraid of?
I am afraid of waking up when I am 40 years old and realizing that my life is just mediocre.
I am afraid the people that I love do not know that I love them because I don't tell them enough.
I am afraid the Lord may call me to place that I don't think I am ready for.
I am afraid that I am going to miss out on memories.
I am afraid my friends are going to one day stop wanting to be my friend.
I am afraid of people seeing me fail.
I am afraid of not living up to people's expectations of me.
I am afraid of losing my passion for the Lord.
I am afraid I am one day going to begin to fall for the lies that the world is trying to tell me.
I am afraid that I am not going to follow the Lord's will for my life.
I am afraid of upsetting those around me.
I am afraid of graduating and not having anything to do.
I am afraid of being vulnerable.
I am afraid of failing God.
Each of these fears limits me in some way or another... and I am tired of it. I am tired of being afraid... It's exhausting (Taylor Swift reference friends- Me and fear are never ever getting back together). I have been realizing these fears for a while now. Some of them are ones that go way back and some of them are fears that have just recently developed. Either way, I am ready for these fears to go.
When I was recently reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning I was struck by two things:
1. God's grace is abounding and that grace washes away fears.
"Living by grace inspires a growing consciousness that I am what I
am in the sight of Jesus and nothing more." - Brennan Manning2. Our Savior calls us to freedom... freedom of fear.
"He calls ragamuffins everywhere to freedom from the fear of death,
freedom from the fear of life, and freedom from anxiety
over our salvation." - Brennan Manning
I need to come to understand God's grace more. I need to understand the power of His grace that is unending and I need to full wrap my head around how much the Lord loves me.
In John 15, Jesus says, "As the Father has loved me, that's how I love you, now abide in my love."
I want to learn to truly abide in His love... to truly dwell in His love. In those moments, all of those fears will begin to fade away. When I am so enamored with Him, those fears will no longer have a grip on me.
Lord, I am sorry that I am giving into those fears. I am sorry that I believe the lies that these fears should be real and are valid. God, take away these fears. I am no longer defined by these fears, Jesus, I want to be defined by You. I love You.