But the truth is, I like control.
I am still trying to discover the root of this control addiction, but I am pretty sure that it lies somewhere in the nasty little booger of insecurity. That's another topic, for another day though...
I discovered this little need for the control while talking to one of the most wonderful Head Leaders here this session, Katie. I met Katie when I was on summer staff here in 2010 and she has been on an assignment here every summer I have been here. Katie is phenomenal and she cares for people so well. Katie and I went out to coffee and spent a lot of time talking about the potentials of going on Young Life staff the other day, which eventually led to just talking about life. She pointed out something in my life that I had never considered before...
I try to control my relationship with the Lord so much that I have put up walls that may be keeping people and things out of my life that the Lord desires to be in my life.
Make sense? I know, it sounds kind of crazy.
It took me a while to come to terms with this little fact and it's taken even more time to figure out the words to describe this desire for control.
So, let's start from the beginning.
The farthest I have ever been from the Lord was the summer after my senior year of high school and the beginning of my freshman year of college. I was not at all in a community that was pushing me towards the Lord and I was doing things that were not at all glorifying to my Heavenly Father. I pushed the lines and the boundaries all around me so that I never did anything "too bad." I could still be considered a Christian, but I didn't have to follow any rules and I could be friends with everyone.
It was my sophomore year of college when I began to realize that I was called to live a life "worthy of the Lord" (Colossians 1). That was my call... to live a life worthy of the Lord. Well that seemed scary and not like something I knew how to do. So... I began setting up boundaries and lines for myself... Lots of them. It was easier that way.
I became obsessed with lines, boundaries, and everything black and white. I needed to follow the guidelines I had set up for myself and not let them budge. To me, it was the only way that I could guarantee myself that I would still be pursuing the Lord when I was forty. It was a way for me to control my relationship with the Lord.
When I look back on this and see it for what it's really worth... I have always been scared (and still am some) that one day I will wake up and no longer be pursuing the Lord with such an intense passion and with so much adoration for my Creator. I am scared that I could lose God. That is why I have clung so tightly to my lines and boundaries... I didn't want to lose the Lord by slipping into the grey areas again.
Side Note: Lines and boundaries are in fact good and the Lord DOES want us to live a life worthy of the Lord. He does require that of us... I just took it too far because I was insecure in my relationship with the Lord.
All of these lines and boundaries that I set up for myself began to dictate my life. They dictated what I considered to be options for after college. They dictated who I let into my life. They dictated the things that I am willing to do.
My lines and boundaries led to walls as I started grasping for control. In talking to Katie I began to realize that God may be trying to use outside things and people in my life but because of my walls I wasn't letting those things in.
My fear of losing God led me to not trusting outside influences on my relationship with the Lord... even if God was trying to use those people or things in my life. My fear of losing God led to me limiting God. My fear of losing God led to me not fully accepting the freedom that comes with Christ. That makes no sense because
"it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us FREE." (Galations 5:1)
God, forgive me for not trusting You... for not trusting that You are holding onto me. Jesus, You will never let go of me. Thank You for that, God, Thank You. God, break down the walls around me that are limiting You. Take full control, Father.