Megan's post is one that is very dear to my heart. She writes from an extremely vulnerable place about struggling with doubt. I love her commitment to bringing light to the struggle with doubt and I have seen the need for that in my life and in the lives of many of my closest friends. I am so thankful for her honesty and rawness.
I recently had the opportunity to sit down with a good friend of mine that I hadn’t caught up with in way too long. After our usual exchanges about school and post-graduation plans, we began to discuss our relationships with God and how they’ve changed over the past year.
My friend shifted uncomfortably, and with downcast eyes admitted, “I’ve been having a hard time lately. I’ve been dealing with a lot of doubt.”
Doubt isn’t something that we really discuss much and when we do, it’s usually to point out that someone else is “struggling with doubt” but never that we ourselves are struggling.
I was refreshed by my friend’s honesty, and could completely relate to her experience, as doubt has definitely been a reality in my life. Last year I went through a period of extreme doubt. But unlike my friend, it wasn’t something I admitted when I was going through it. I just trudged along, pretending like everything was okay. I refused to admit that I was struggling with hard questions, questions like:
Is God really good?
Is this even true?
Does God really care about me?
How could God love me with a past like mine?
But beyond my attempts to hide my doubt from those around me I couldn’t even admit my doubt to the One to who knows me intimately, the One who created me.
I felt as if admitting my own doubts to God would somehow make them true--that admitting these lies might have the power to transform God’s character.
I acted as if admitting my doubts to God would surprise or disappoint Him.
I failed to see that my doubts didn’t for one-second limit the power of God or His character.
I thought that God couldn’t handle my doubts.
But I was just plain wrong.
God could handle them. God can handle them. God knows our doubts before we even realize we’re doubting.
God doesn’t want us to keep our doubts bottled up inside, growing larger each day. Because when we keep them hidden, they have no chance of being exposed to the light and changed. When we keep them hidden, we don’t invite God in to work through these doubts with us and show us that our doubts will NEVER limit His love for us.
When Jesus walked on water during a vicious storm, He called Peter to get out of the boat and come to Jesus. Peter stepped out, at first with great confidence and walked towards Jesus. But then he got scared. Peter doubted that Jesus would protect him, that Jesus was who he said he was, and the waves and wind surrounding Peter began to swallow him.
But Jesus didn’t respond by letting him continue to drown.
No, Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him.
We need to stop believing the lie that when we doubt we can’t admit this to God. Just like Peter, as we begin to doubt, we need to shout out “Lord save me.”
And just like the all-powerful God that He is, He reaches out his hand and pulls us into His loving embrace.