I was moving from middle school to high school and I thought that it was quite possibly the worst thing that had ever happened. Not so much because I didn't want to go to high school, but because middle school was ending. Middle school ending meant that I was leaving all of my best friends, as we left and went to different high schools. For a thirteen year-old I was devastated. I cried and cried the night before our last day of school because I just didn't envision my friend group remaining once we were at different high schools.
I learned then... I am not particularly a fan of endings.
Slowly, but surely, I realized that my world was not ending as I had imagined (surprise, surprise). I ended up transitioning into high school just fine and my friend group stayed strong. We went to different high schools, but we persevered and we were the best of best friends. We spent countless hours together on the weekends and on special school nights. We grew together and we matured from being melo-dramatic fourteen year-olds to crazy eighteen year-olds together. My memories from high school are some of my fondest ones.
In my heart, it's always the four of us.
Park adventures
16th Birthday Party
Crooked Creek Ranch for summer camp! Hello future home.
Pranks on pranks on pranks. Sorry, boys.
Doing the bestie thing since age 9.
Senior Year.
The time Cait and I made 100 collars...
Prom 2009
That then too, came to an end. And it was hard, painstakingly difficult. I liked high school. I was good at high school. And then it was all changing again and I was supposed to go to college without all of my best friends. I sobbed the night before I left for Chapel Hill because I did not like the ending and surely did not feel like I'd be good at college.
Time passed on and I somehow ended up at Timber Wolf Lake two summers in a row. I fell in love with Jesus in those months there like never before. The Lord blessed me with some of the best friendships and He cultivated in me a heart for Young Life camping. Some of my favorite times come from experiences at Timber Wolf... the hours spent in the summer office, day trips exploring Michigan, times adventuring in Lake City, and countless coffee dates at the local coffee shop. My summers spent in Michigan came to an end as well... and it was rough. I sat on the office floor just crying (thank you, Danielle, for sitting with me) because I was going to miss that place so much and I never wanted it to end.
#twl2k11interns
Some of the best memories from that first summer.
#twl2k12interns Thrift Shop Date Night. Yes, please.
But here I am again, another ending, quickly approaching. This time: the ending of college and the ending of my academic career. For some reason I had built up in my mind that this ending would be easier. There have definitely been moments in college where I had seriously considered quitting, so I figured that college ending would have come as a relief. But it isn't. Chapel Hill has stolen part of my heart. It's here that I learned about myself, lived the dorm life, made quite a few mistakes, made a lot of wonderful friends, was challenged academically, and I grew immensely. I became a Young Life leader and met some of the most amazing high schoolers, while I served alongside some of the most treasured people in my life. The past two years I have lived with seven of the most wonderful girls I could have dreamed of. And this stage of my life, it too, seems to be ending.
Roommate and best friend... 906B had nothing on us.
Suite 906 bringing us together.
Some of the bestest ECHHS YL ladies.
Just the beginning of best friendships.
Circle of Life
Nothing like a little Disney dress up birthday party.
East YL girls go to Saranac!
Ice Cream Olympics for East YL
Tarheels, BORN & BRED.
Pancakes at the McMansion.
YL: Find Your Leader... too much, far too much.
YL Team does Nativity Scene.
13.1 COMPLETE.
McMansion love.
East YL girls at Rockbridge for Fall Weekend
Traveling adventures: COLORADO.
YOUNG LIFE TEAM. BEST.
Pure joy with all spontaneity.
It really is love.
The thought of leaving the McMansion makes my stomach flip. I already long for the day that we are all reunited again and can cuddle on one bed together once more. I am excited for the days when we all vacation together with our future families and laugh at all of our college antics. The thought of leaving East Young Life makes me want to shrink back and cry. I long to see that ministry continue to grow and blossom in the school like never before. I can't wait for the day that I visit an East Chapel Hill YL club in the future and there is barely enough space in the room because there are so many high schoolers hearing the gospel.
I can't wait for this PostSecret to be the McMansion
I have spent a lot of my life feeling guilty for not liking endings. For some reason, I have always considered it to be a weak character trait. Surely, I should be strong enough to leave a place and to go someplace else without getting really sad.
I've come to realize though, that God gave me a heart that longs for always.
God created us in His image (Gen. 1:27). In His image he created us. In Genesis 21, Abraham called upon God as he planted a tree in Beersheba after he swore an oath with Abimelech. The name that Abraham ascribed to God at that time was El Olam, the Eternal God. The Trinity has always existed and will always exist, for God is eternal. As humans we do not live eternal lives here on earth; death is inevitable in this world, but it says in Ecclesiastes 3:11
"He has also set eternity in the hearts of men"
God set eternity in my heart. My heart does long for always because that is how He created it to be. We were created for eternity and we were created to long for always. Beth Moore writes, "everything in us that cries out in resistance to an end comes from an innate sense that we were meant to be without one."
I don't like endings... because my heart longs for eternity.
Ultimately, I long for eternity with my Heavenly Father. I long for Heaven and the eternal life that is found in Jesus Christ. While my body is temporal, my soul is eternal, and my heart continues to yearn for a forever.
Today, I long for always in so many of the places that Jesus has met me the past four years. I have seen and experienced the love of Christ in so many different moments, situations, and people.
My heart cries out for always for... the hours spent with high school girls ... the community at McMansion pancake nights ... the early mornings with the east team spent in God's Word ... coffee dates with Amanda ... late night third floor conversations seeking the truth ... Sunday night house dinners ... east chapel hill students finding life in their Creator ... worshiping with my best friends ... God moving in Chapel Hill
All of those moments pale in comparison to what eternity will truly be like in the presence of my Heavenly Father... but now, it's in those moments that I am catching glimpses of Jesus and I want to hold on to those moments forever.
It's breaking my heart to know that my time here in Chapel Hill is ending, but it is with much hope that I look towards the next stage in my life and all of the many places that I anticipate Jesus will continue to show up.
This friend, y'all, she is a gem if I have ever known one. I first met Katie when I was an intern at Timber Wolf and she was on Summer Staff. We did not really get to know one another at all during her month there, but I do remember thinking she was real cool... and boy was I right. I was really excited when I found out that Katie would be interning with me my second summer at Timber Wolf. The best thing I can think to write about Katie is that she is simply wonderful. She really is. I remember one of the first nights that we were together this summer staying up late in the Swamp (where we live, cute name, right?) just talking about her experiences with YWAM and her heart for the girls in the sex trafficking industry of Thailand. Listening to Katie talk I was blown away by how much she loved Jesus and how much I saw Him in her. My heart broke for her as I heard her explain how parts of her own heart were left in those places with those girls. I am forever thankful for Katie and the way she loves, so deeply and so passionately. I am thankful for the summer that we spent together and all that she taught me.
We played at the zoo together and I knew Katie would be a forever friend.
Katie wore this on our Intern DateNight. Tell me she isn't awesome... if you did, you would be lying.
Katie has been one of the biggest encouragements to me since I started this blog. I always feel so loved by her responses to my posts and am so honored that she agreed to write a post for the blog. Katie has her own blog called converse sneaker and it's absolutely delightful; I encourage you to check it out. This post reveals a huge part of her heart and my prayer is that you are blessed by her honesty. And let's all be reminded: our Creator is making all things new.
I was so excited when Jordan asked me to share on the blog
today. The Lord has taught me so much this year. It has been a transition year
for me; coming back to Calvin College after a year away with YWAM.
I absolutely loved my time with YWAM and followed that with
a summer at Timberwolf Lake. For a total of 9 months I was surrounded by people
who passionately loved Jesus and desired to know Him more. I loved being away
from the pressures of school and the overwhelming life at Calvin. Both YWAM and
interning at Timberwolf were such life-giving experiences and I felt like I was
truly thriving. As the end of the summer came closer and closer I was TERRIFIED
of returning to school.
I literally cried every day about it.
September rolled around and there was no time for thinking,
I just hit the ground running. And now it’s April. I am almost done with this
freaky year back.
This year I have been lonely, frustrated, confused, and
honestly, a little bitter. When the Lord called me back to school I knew it
would be hard, but I didn’t think it would be THIS hard. So often this year I
have felt small and weary. I have felt like I was suffocating. The thought of
one more year at this place made, and sometimes still makes, me want to curl up
in a fetal position and cry.
In my mind there was no way that I could feel alive at
Calvin. Everything about school sucks the life out of me: endless hours in the
library, staying up til 4 in the morning to write a paper, fighting sleep in
the middle of a lecture, doing life alone. I’d be happy if I simply survived
another year, there was no thought given to thriving.
And then Easter happened. I was reminded that my Redeemer is
ALIVE and makes all things new and beautiful. Jesus spoke something to me. He
said, “Katie, I give life. I am life. You can let this season kill you, or let
me bring you to life.”
I was confused at first.
How was I supposed to find life in this season? All I do is
go to class, study at the library, and maintain a salad bar at work. It’s
boring. And at the same time so busy and overwhelming. But I’m supposed to come
to life? But Jesus, I am DYING! GET ME OUT OF HERE! My circumstances felt too
big. I needed to learn to look beyond them. I needed to let Jesus be at the
center, instead of tossed in when time allowed.
What I am realizing is that when I don’t focus my heart and mind on the life giver, my
circumstances kill me.
Life is found in my orientation, not my circumstances. When I am oriented to the Risen Savior, I
am alive.
I’m a natural pessimist. It’s much easier for my brain to
think of all the sucky parts of a situation, than focus on the positive. I view
school as a necessary evil, rather than an opportunity to grow. I view the
library as a torture chamber instead of a convenient place to study and learn.
I view work as a mind numbing three hours a day with people I have an inability
to converse with instead of an easy way to make money and get to know some
quirky, fun individuals.
It’s my own brain, my own thoughts, that kill me! When I see
the positive and see all these little, seemingly mundane events as gifts from
Jesus, I come to life.
If I had to describe this year back at Calvin in one word,
it would be lonely. So many hours have been spent sitting on my futon wishing
some sweet friend were sitting right next to me, just so I wasn’t by myself.
It has been hard. And I’ve cried about it. But I have learned
that in those moments alone, I can most clearly hear the Lord speak. And isn’t
that what this journey is about? Hearing the sweet voice of the Savior
speaking, leading, guiding, encouraging, and shaping?
I’m not saying that I have learned to totally love my hours
of loneliness – but I have heard Jesus speak so much this year. And friends,
His words give life! Jesus is the word and Jesus
is very much alive.
It is easy to let ourselves run ourselves down. It is easy
to let life overwhelm us. It is easy to let anxiety, stress, and fear get in
the way of seeing Jesus. But He is ever present. His eyes are always on us,
watching us, delighting in us, breathing life into our weary souls.
And He is in the
business of making all things new, beautiful and alive.
I pray for you that whatever season you find yourself
walking through, you let our Jesus bring you to life. May you know the deep joy
of serving a God who is very much alive.
And if you are like me and need a song to help you remember
these truths, then do yourself a favor and check out this one:
To say that my life has been anywhere close to normal recently would be a lie. It's been far from normal. But life is happening and I am along for the ride.
It's tough and it's messy, but it's real and it's good.
The opportunities to really breathe and to just be are few and far between. But tonight, that opportunity came and for that I am beyond thankful.
After Bible Study, Sydney and I went to Tuesday Night Worship. Tuesday Night Worship, for those who don't know, is an hour of worship and prayer every week at a church on Franklin Street. It's an extremely simple, yet beautifully intimate, time.
Tonight, it was just what I needed and a time to encounter the Lord.
Typically, I'm familiar with most of the songs that we sing, but not tonight. Tonight there were multiple songs that I had never heard before... but they were good and their words resonated deeply with my soul, so I want to share.
I Don't Know
When I was a baby You held me close
When I was just a child You showed me the way I should go
When I'm old and grey you'll never leave me
You're right by my side
How am I gonna thank You
If I can't get my arms around You
But I know that You saved me, But I don't know, I don't know
How far you had to reach
I swim in your deep love, But I don't know, I don't know
How wide or how deep
I know that you're good, Lord, But I don't know, I don't know
Why you're so good to me
Dance With Me
Behold You have over the hills upon the mountain
To me, You will run. My Beloved, You've captured my heart.
Won't You dance with me,
Oh Lover of my soul,
To the song of all songs
With You, I will go
You and my Love, You are my Fair One
The winter has passed and the springtime has come
Won't You dance with me, Oh Love of my soul,
To the song of all songs,
Romance me, O Love of my soul,
To the song of all songs
Continue to Love Me
Continue to love me, With that same love
Righteous and unchanging
Continue to love me, With that same love
Priceless and unfailing
Your love it reaches to the sky
Your righteousness, a mountain high
How priceless, Your unending love
Both high and low among men
Take cover under Your wings
How priceless, Your unending love
Heavenly Father, thank You for loving me and for night's like tonight. Thank You for new songs and thank You for intimacy with You. My prayer is for continued reliance on You and Your truths. Amen.
Jesus died on the cross in our place and he cried out, "IT IS FINISHED." Love defeated death and He conquered Hell. He rose to life in the resurrection and in that moment He made all things new.
"And if Christ has not been raised, out preaching is useless and so is your faith." -1 Corinthians 15:14
In this Easter season, I am reminded that the resurrection changed and continues to change everything. As Paul says, if the resurrection is not true then our faith is useless.
I believe in the resurrection. I believe that Christ defeated death and He is victorious. I believe that He is ALIVE. I believe that we are made new.
This season allows me to reflect on the title of my blog: "You Are Making Me New." When I chose the title for my blog, my inspiration came from Gungor's song "Beautiful Things." The song is a perfect articulation of the resurrection and how Christ is continually making beautiful things out of dust. My favorite line from the song is: "Out of chaos, life is being found in You." Oh how, true that is.
There is life in Jesus Christ... because He is alive and because of the resurrection.
I am reminded by the resurrection that Christ has made all things and He is continuing to make all things new. He made me new the moment that I accepted Him as Savior and Lord and He is continuing to make me new everyday.
There is nothing more freeing that that: He is making me new.
And because I am made new, I am not bound by or defined by my...
... imperfections ... failures ... past ... wandering mind ... grades ... confused heart ... broken relationships ... emotions ... achievements ... do-good attitude ... tears ... attempts to earn God's love ... insecurities ... sins ... pride ... masks I hide behind ... to-do lists ... walls around my heart ... mistakes ... self-righteousness ... reputation ...
No, those things have no hold on me, for those things have been defeated and Christ is making me new.
"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"
-1 Corinthians 15:55
"We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." -2 Cor. 5:20-21
Everyday He is making us new, so that "we might become the righteousness of God." It is a wonderful mystery for Christ is in us, the hope of glory (Col. 1:27).
My prayer is that in this Easter season that you, too, are reminded that in Christ you are a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17). He died the death that we deserve so that we might have life. You are no longer defined by your past or the darkness in your life, for the Lord is making you new... today and forevermore.
The first semester of my sophomore year of college was a rough one to say the least. I was doing my best to figure out really following Jesus and then also attempting to move through my world that was seemingly falling apart. Somewhere in that semester, my friendship with Sydney took off. Her passion for the Lord was evident and I was forever changed. I wanted to know Jesus more because of her. Second semester of that year was one of the most growing periods of my life and Sydney walked alongside me all the while and our friendship grew into something that only the Lord could do. Now, Sydney lives in the room across the hall from me in the McMansion. We get crazy on the third floor together, read etiquette books together, play dress up together, laugh together, cry together, road trip together, study the Bible together, and live life together. Yes, she is kind of a big deal.
I am excited to share Sydney's post because I know that it's coming from a place of vulnerability. She writes honestly about some of her insecurities and the decision to set her eyes on Christ and watch those insecurities flee. My prayer is that we can be challenged to set our minds on things above and let the Lord reclaim what is His in our lives, leaving all insecurities at the Cross.
Insecurity
(n.) - Lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt.
Yikes. That
word is the absolute worst. It hasn’t been a super prevalent word in my
vocabulary but when it is used, I want to run. Run far.
I had
not really dealt with insecurities until my last relationship. I was a strong,
independent 21 year old who didn’t care what others thought, and who was
comfortable in her own skin. But then it all changed. I started dating a
boy and my strong, confident self became an insecure and worried girl friend.
I began
to compare myself to other young Christian women in romantic relationships. I
compared who I was then to who I used to be. I began to place security in a
relationship that was designed to be for God. I quickly learned that my
conditional trust, my conditional security, was not security at all.
Throughout
the relationship it felt as if Satan and I were in one of those “play places”
and he was hurling those grimy plastic play balls at my face.
“You can’t
do this. You are not worth this. You’re not like her. You’re not good enough. You’re
not as great as you thought. You should just give up. This isn’t going to
work.”
I’ve discovered that the
issue with insecurity is that it causes our eyes and focus to be upon us.
In order
to compare ourselves to others we are forced to focus on ourselves. When our
eyes are on us, nothing is going to turn out well.
It is when our focus is on Jesus
that insecurity flees.
When we
focus on Him, no longer do we doubt our worth, but we are reminded that the
security He offers us can never be shaken.
I have
learned over the last 6 months that a deep sense of doubt about your worth and
place in the world is never God’s will. It was not until after the relationship
ended that I was able to say “goodbye” to these insecurities and “hello” to the
confidence the Lord wants me to always enjoy.
To
overcome these insecurities, I had to stop looking for security in the wrong
places. I realized that my insecurities blinded me from seeing everything the
Lord has blessed me with and not withheld from me. I had to claim the strength
and dignity that is mine through a relationship with the Lord. I had to believe
God is who He says He is and that I am who God says I am.
“Do not
fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”-
Isaiah 43:1b
Lord, Remind us that we are Yours.
I pray that we would seek You amidst our insecurities. Thank You that Satan has
no foothold in our lives because You came and You overcame. Thank You for being
a God who is who He says He is and does what He says He will do. Amen.
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