A Heart Longing for Always

I was thirteen and I thought my world was ending.

I was moving from middle school to high school and I thought that it was quite possibly the worst thing that had ever happened. Not so much because I didn't want to go to high school, but because middle school was ending. Middle school ending meant that I was leaving all of my best friends, as we left and went to different high schools. For a thirteen year-old I was devastated. I cried and cried the night before our last day of school because I just didn't envision my friend group remaining once we were at different high schools.

I learned then... I am not particularly a fan of endings.

Slowly, but surely, I realized that my world was not ending as I had imagined (surprise, surprise). I ended up transitioning into high school just fine and my friend group stayed strong. We went to different high schools, but we persevered and we were the best of best friends. We spent countless hours together on the weekends and on special school nights. We grew together and we matured from being melo-dramatic fourteen year-olds to crazy eighteen year-olds together. My memories from high school are some of my fondest ones.

In my heart, it's always the four of us.

Park adventures

16th Birthday Party

Crooked Creek Ranch for summer camp! Hello future home.

Pranks on pranks on pranks. Sorry, boys.

Doing the bestie thing since age 9.

Senior Year.

The time Cait and I made 100 collars...

Prom 2009

That then too, came to an end. And it was hard, painstakingly difficult. I liked high school. I was good at high school. And then it was all changing again and I was supposed to go to college without all of my best friends. I sobbed the night before I left for Chapel Hill because I did not like the ending and surely did not feel like I'd be good at college.

Time passed on and I somehow ended up at Timber Wolf Lake two summers in a row. I fell in love with Jesus in those months there like never before. The Lord blessed me with some of the best friendships and He cultivated in me a heart for Young Life camping. Some of my favorite times come from experiences at Timber Wolf... the hours spent in the summer office, day trips exploring Michigan, times adventuring in Lake City, and countless coffee dates at the local coffee shop. My summers spent in Michigan came to an end as well... and it was rough. I sat on the office floor just crying (thank you, Danielle, for sitting with me) because I was going to miss that place so much and I never wanted it to end.

#twl2k11interns

Some of the best memories from that first summer.

#twl2k12interns Thrift Shop Date Night. Yes, please.

2 summers in a row. Oh boy, I was blessed.

Sleeping Bear Dunes

Amanda Vivian Stephens

I don't like endings.

But here I am again, another ending, quickly approaching. This time: the ending of college and the ending of my academic career. For some reason I had built up in my mind that this ending would be easier. There have definitely been moments in college where I had seriously considered quitting, so I figured that college ending would have come as a relief. But it isn't. Chapel Hill has stolen part of my heart. It's here that I learned about myself, lived the dorm life, made quite a few mistakes, made a lot of wonderful friends, was challenged academically, and I grew immensely. I became a Young Life leader and met some of the most amazing high schoolers, while I served alongside some of the most treasured people in my life. The past two years I have lived with seven of the most wonderful girls I could have dreamed of. And this stage of my life, it too, seems to be ending.

Roommate and best friend... 906B had nothing on us.

Suite 906 bringing us together.

Some of the bestest ECHHS YL ladies.

Just the beginning of best friendships.

Circle of Life

Nothing like a little Disney dress up birthday party.

East YL girls go to Saranac!

Ice Cream Olympics for East YL

Tarheels, BORN & BRED.

Pancakes at the McMansion.

YL: Find Your Leader... too much, far too much.

YL Team does Nativity Scene.

13.1 COMPLETE.

McMansion love.

East YL girls at Rockbridge for Fall Weekend

Traveling adventures: COLORADO.

YOUNG LIFE TEAM. BEST.

Pure joy with all spontaneity.

It really is love.

The thought of leaving the McMansion makes my stomach flip. I already long for the day that we are all reunited again and can cuddle on one bed together once more. I am excited for the days when we all vacation together with our future families and laugh at all of our college antics. The thought of leaving East Young Life makes me want to shrink back and cry. I long to see that ministry continue to grow and blossom in the school like never before. I can't wait for the day that I visit an East Chapel Hill YL club in the future and there is barely enough space in the room because there are so many high schoolers hearing the gospel.

I can't wait for this PostSecret to be the McMansion

I have spent a lot of my life feeling guilty for not liking endings. For some reason, I have always considered it to be a weak character trait. Surely, I should be strong enough to leave a place and to go someplace else without getting really sad.

I've come to realize though, that God gave me a heart that longs for always.

God created us in His image (Gen. 1:27). In His image he created us. In Genesis 21, Abraham called upon God as he planted a tree in Beersheba after he swore an oath with Abimelech. The name that Abraham ascribed to God at that time was El Olam, the Eternal God. The Trinity has always existed and will always exist, for God is eternal. As humans we do not live eternal lives here on earth; death is inevitable in this world, but it says in Ecclesiastes 3:11

"He has also set eternity in the hearts of men"

God set eternity in my heart. My heart does long for always because that is how He created it to be. We were created for eternity and we were created to long for always. Beth Moore writes, "everything in us that cries out in resistance to an end comes from an innate sense that we were meant to be without one."

I don't like endings... because my heart longs for eternity.

Ultimately, I long for eternity with my Heavenly Father. I long for Heaven and the eternal life that is found in Jesus Christ. While my body is temporal, my soul is eternal, and my heart continues to yearn for a forever.

Today, I long for always in so many of the places that Jesus has met me the past four years. I have seen and experienced the love of Christ in so many different moments, situations, and people.

My heart cries out for always for... the hours spent with high school girls ... the community at McMansion pancake nights ... the early mornings with the east team spent in God's Word ... coffee dates with Amanda ... late night third floor conversations seeking the truth ... Sunday night house dinners ... east chapel hill students finding life in their Creator ... worshiping with my best friends ... God moving in Chapel Hill

All of those moments pale in comparison to what eternity will truly be like in the presence of my Heavenly Father... but now, it's in those moments that I am catching glimpses of Jesus and I want to hold on to those moments forever. 

It's breaking my heart to know that my time here in Chapel Hill is ending, but it is with much hope that I look towards the next stage in my life and all of the many places that I anticipate Jesus will continue to show up.