I Am Supposed to Be Good at Transitioning

I am supposed to be good at transitioning. 

Well, that's a lie. And a lie that I have been believing for this entire semester.

I have been under the impression that if I was a good Christian and really trusted Jesus, then naturally I would be good at transitioning.

I haven't felt so good at transitioning lately. In fact, I have felt down right awful at transitioning these past few weeks.

Somewhere along the mountains of West Virginia as I was driving to visit my bestie in Indiana, I realized that I have been holding myself to some pretty unrealistic expectations on what it means to transition.

For me, being a "good transitioner" meant:
1- I am seizing every single second out of the present day, while prayerfully awaiting the future.
2- I am gracefully phasing out of my roles and responsibilities on my Young Life team, while I continue to remain faithful to the ministry.
3- I am being intentional with all of my time in Chapel Hill.
4- I am just the perfect amount of excited for Crooked Creek that I am anticipating my year there, but not wishing away my time left at school.
5- I am solidifying all of my relationships in North Carolina so that they will be easy to maintain while I am in Colorado.
6- I am never sad about the situation, but am perfectly content with all that is happening.
7- I am never anxious about the future, and I am certainly not letting anyone see those anxieties if they are there.

Yea, so naturally, so I should be a "good transitioner" based off of those standards.... hmmmm... that's hardly the truth. 

I have come to realize that those standards are far from realistic. Just because I am trusting Jesus does not mean that I will be able to perfectly check all those things off of the checklist.

There is no such thing as a "good transitioner." There is no perfect or right way to transition out of college and into something completely new.

But I have been living as if there is.

When a friend asked me recently how I was handling giving up some of my roles as the team leader for my Young Life team, I gave him the best sounding answer that I could: "It has been great to just see the other leaders on my team step up and I love seeing them take ownership, so it really has been an easy transition." Now, it is true that I love seeing them take on new roles and grow as leaders, but it hasn't been easy. It has not been easy realizing that their new roles means that I will not have a role next year. I figured if I could say the right answer and he would seemingly believe it, then maybe somehow it would be true and then I would be "good" at transitioning.

The unrealistic expectations that I have been living under have left me feeling exhausted. As soon as I try to perfect one aspect of transitioning it seems that another aspect falls apart. I thought that once I knew what I was going to be doing next year that everything else would instantly fall into place and that if I just trusted Jesus then it would work out perfectly.

Trusting Jesus does not mean that I will be a good transitioner.

Trusting Jesus means that I have the One who knows me best walking alongside me as I transition and that I can stop trying so hard to do this whole transitioning thing perfectly.

Trusting Jesus means that I can admit that I am not good at transitioning and that it is not really that easy, but that I can rest assured in Jesus' perfect love and grace for me.

"From the ends of the earth I call to You. I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." -Psalm 61:2

"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will." -Ephesians 1:11

[prayer for major lift transition from the book of common prayer]

Lord, help me now to unclutter my life, to organize myself in the direction of simplicity. Lord, teach me to listen to my heart; teach me to welcome change, instead of fearing it. Lord, I give you these stirrings inside me. I give you my discontent. I give you my restlessness. I give you my doubt. I give you my despair. I give you all the longings I hold inside. Help me to listen to these signs of change, of growth; help me to listen seriously and follow where they lead through the breathtaking empty space of an open door. 

Funtastic Friend Friday: Sarah Velten

Today's friend comes from a very special group of people. She is the first housemate or fellow McMansioner to write a guest post. Sarah brings laughter and love to our house and she has honestly one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. She is sometimes mistaken for my twin and she is always the first to volunteer for an adventure. Sarah has taught me that there is never a bad time for a dance party and that giving is better than receiving. It has been an absolute blessing to live with Sarah the past two years and I am going to miss her zeal for life when we are no longer under the same roof.

 

Sarah's post is on something that comes to my mind often and something that I have struggled and wrestled with for some time now. She shares from her heart one of the biggest fears of being a graduating senior, chasing after Jesus, getting ready to move into that that big, bad thing, known as the "real world." I am confident that the Lord has a hold of Sarah's heart and I cannot wait to see where the Spirit leads her. Her post reminds me of one of my favorite pieces of Scripture: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39 O, praise Him! 

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I felt like it was easier to trust in God’s plan when I had no idea what it was.

This whole year I have been applying for different things, interviewing, and trusting and knowing that God had a great plan for me.  I honestly was confident in that.  And surprisingly, I was very peaceful with this floating unknown plan God had for me, because I was confident it would come and just hadn’t revealed itself yet.

Only when those plans started to come to fruition did I begin to have a minor freak out.  The future became much more real.

I am going to move on.

I am going to be somewhere new.

I am not going to be surrounded by my community.

I won’t be living in the McMansion.

I won’t have as many friends.

But those were small fears, hiding behind a much bigger issue.  I realized my being scared of the future had nothing to do with a new city and starting a job.  I was excited for that.  When I began to wrestle with decisions I might have to make, I realized that the fear that was weighing down on me was my fear of falling away from the Lord after college.  I’ve seen what life looks like when that happens, and it is a life I want to run as far away from as possible. While at UNC, I have been beyond blessed by the people God has put in my life, and I can honestly say I couldn’t have asked for better friends that love me and push me towards the Lord.  And I know how much they have influenced me.

Now, I am not usually that serious of a journaler, but on my way back from an interview in Atlanta, my flight was delayed several hours, and boy did I journal.  Hardcore.  I just poured out all my fears to the Lord, and pleaded with him over and over again, “Keep a fire lit in my heart for you, don’t ever let me lose my passion, please help me to always make you my first priority, how can I be a light in my office?  Lord, PLEASE don’t let me fall away from you after school.”

I desperately want to live my life for you.  I don’t just want an easy life.

And then I came across this.

Psalm 34:4 “I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.”

And through that I was so comforted.  I was worrying about falling away from the Lord, and He has just been telling me, “seek Me, and you will find Me.  Don’t worry Sarah, keep seeking Me, and be confident in that.”  He will deliver me from my fears, and I am confident in that.

Jeremiah 17:7 “But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.”

So, that is what I have been learning.  Take hope.  The Lord is good.  He loves us, he has a plan for us, and he wants to cast out all of our fears.  All we have to do is let Him. 

Press Through

The good, the bad, the ugly... I take it all to my Heavenly Father...

Or so I would like to think.

So many names popped in my head Sunday morning at church as I heard the pastor, J.D., preach on prayer. So many names of people that I really wanted to listen to his message as he encouraged the congregation to press through. To simply press through in prayer with God.

Names of friends who have been discouraged by unanswered prayer or a seemingly silent God kept resonating in my heart.

I furiously took notes during the sermon because there was so much that I wanted to share with my friends who I have seen discouraged lately... press through, dear friends, press through.

But then there was a change.

The tears came out of no where and started flooding down my face.

"This is not just for all of those people you love, dear one... this is for you too. Press through, my daughter, and pray... pray with deep persistence. I will hear you, because I love you." 

I sensed the Spirit moving in my heart in mighty ways during the sermon. He was telling me that the encouragement to press through was not just for all the people popping into my head, but it was for me too. 

[I do urge each  one of you to listen to the most recent message from the The Summit, "Wrestling All Night" as well. It's a powerful sermon full of hard truth and encouragement from Genesis 32 when Jacob wrestled with God.]

In reality, I am not currently feeling discouraged in my prayers... but it isn't because God is answering each one of my prayers...

It is because I am not praying the hard prayers... the ones that are closest to my heart, the ones that cause me to cry out in anguish to the Lord, the ones that cause me to be exposed... because I am scared... I am scared of being discouraged or of being angry at God when I do actually get discouraged. 

Instead, I mentally run away from situations that are dark and require the hard prayers because, in some twisted way, I think it is easier that way. I have told myself that if I push those things from my mind, then they aren't that real and I do not have to pray about them... and then eventually get discouraged by them. 

But God wants me to pray those things... the hard things... the things that I can never envision a resolution to...

Because He does hear my prayers. He became weak for us...He died on the cross for us... surely He loves us and hears our prayers.

He doesn't promise a resolution, but He does promise a relationship.

So today I am committing to taking the things that really scare me to the Lord... 

I am taking all the things that cause me to doubt and all the things that make my heart twist inside and laying them before the foot of the cross and asking my Heavenly Father to come alive in those places and to work in ways that I cannot even fathom, because He does hear my prayers and He does love me.

"You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God." - James 4:2

Funtastic Friend Friday: Seth Crawford

Today's guest post comes from quite possibly my friend I've known the longest and my Young Life teammate, Seth. The earliest memory I have with Seth is a perfect glance into our friendship. It was second grade and we were both in Ms. Luper's class. Our class had a pet hamster (class pets... what an interesting concept) and Seth took home our little pet for the weekend... and it died. Now, in Seth's seven-year old defense, he loved the hamster and there is no reason to believe that it was his fault. I remember Seth being distraught that the hamster died on his watch, so... I had my mom (seven-year old self was pretty limited) go out and buy a new hamster for the class. And that has been Seth and I's relationship ever since... not reallllllly, but it's one of my favorite anecdotes and memories.

Seth and I have gone to school together since the good ol' elementary days. We have lived five minutes from one another since I can remember. We both came to Carolina and then somehow both ended up being Young Life leaders at East Chapel Hill. Seth and I were never really in the same group of friends growing up, but I have absolutely loved being on the same team together and growing our friendship as teammates. He has taught me to loosen up and to relax and to just enjoy the fun of everyday life. I cannot imagine leading at East without Seth; I have been inspired by his dedication to coaching Cross Country and Track at the school and by his relationships with his guys. I am so excited that he agreed to write a guest post for my blog. His words are real and his challenge to do something out of love and compassion is one that I want to actually accept. 

 

Seth & his wonderful girlfriend, Maggie 

Leading at Saranac Lake together in June 2011

One of my favorite team pictures from the 2011-2012 school year!

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Philippians 2:4 Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

Probably the most important life lesson I have learned in college is that I am one experience, one decision, one chromosome away from any number of variant walks of life. My middle-class heterosexual white maleness is of no result my own. But because of it, I have not had to experience true pain. I haven’t known what it is like to be hungry, to be hated and dehumanized, to be abused. And I am thankful. But at times, man, do I feel guilty.

I had a conversation with my dad recently, and I told him of this guilt, about how at times it consumes me. I see people facing different hardships, completely independent of bad choices or free will. I told him of this homeless kid I met on Franklin St. earlier in the week. I saw him sitting outside SubWay on my way out.

“I’ve already had a couple bites of this, but you’re more than welcome to have the rest if you want,” I said, holding the plastic bag containing what was left of a six-inch sub.

“Beats eating out of the trash can,” he looked up at me.

I decided to sit down with him for a while, I explained to my dad, because everything I have read and experienced about homelessness has told me that it is the feeling of being invisible or only semi-human that hurts the most. So, this kid started sharing his story with me. Raised in the foster care system in Minnesota, he was abused by his foster parents leading up to their split after a move to North Carolina. Eventually he moved out on his own with a one of his brothers.

            

After losing his job, the two got evicted and at 19 years old, this kid is a panhandler. Dirt beneath his nails and staining his hands, there is no way a potential employer would hire him. He described the plight of many of the homeless in Chapel Hill. He is homeless because he doesn’t have a job and, he can’t get a job because he is homeless.  I appreciated his openness and left this interaction realizing that the two of us aren’t that different. I’ve just been lucky enough to have two loving, financially supportive parents and he hasn’t.

            

My dad listened to this story and my musings on suffering and fairness. And he offered this advice: You can spend your whole life feeling guilty and angry with God or you can recognize your privileged life and gifts, and do something about it. Although I have heard similar advice in the past, for some reason, this time it hit me.

             

So, moving forward I want to leave those reading this with a challenge. If you’re like me, don’t stop be empathetic or hurting for the injustices others endure. Let’s go out and do what we can with what we have been blessed with, not out of guilt, but out of love and compassion.

Galatians 6:2 Bear one another’s burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ 

Going West

It’s official. I’ve accepted.  

The infamous question of, “What are you doing next year?” finally has an answer. I thought this day would never come. 

Starting August 27, 2013 I will be a year-long intern at Young Life’s Crooked Creek Ranch in Fraser, Colorado. 

My heart just skipped a little beat. I am so excited. 

The process of figuring out post-graduation plans is an interesting one. Some days it’s exhilarating and exciting. Then other days it’s exhausting and stressful. There were days where the options seemed limitless and then other days where it seemed like there would be no options. Some days I would sit around with Jen making lists of all our hopes and dreams and then other days where I just cried because nothing made sense. I prayed and prayed to God to give me guidance and then some days I got mad at God because things were not happening as I expected. Doors were shut and new doors unexpectedly opened. 

The list that Jen and I sent our parents as our "plan."

And at the end of it all, I am sure that Crooked Creek Ranch is where God wants me. 

I kind of laughed the other day while working on the Patriarch Bible study by Beth Moore when I learned that the children of Israel “had to move west to dwell in the fulfillment of God’s promises.” Scholars point out that in Scripture there are parallels of eastward movement with results in greater distance from God’s fellowship. So moving westward is associated with moving towards a deeper intimacy with God. Now really this shouldn’t be taken too literally because we live on a round planet and we’re all east or west of somewhere, but…

This southern belle really is going west. 

I am moving west to Colorado and am moving in hopes of finding deeper intimacy with the Heavenly Father. 

I cannot wait to see all that this internship will hold. I know there will be good days and there will be bad days. I know sometimes I will be eager to serve the Lord while working and then other days I will have to force myself to have a positive attitude. 

But all the while, my prayer and my deepest desire is to know the Lord more, and then too, for every person who steps on Crooked Creek’s property to know the immense love the Father has for them. 

Come August, it’s really happening. 

Sarah, Anna, and I visited CCR in October while in CO with no clue that I would be there within the year.

I will be leaving my southern comfort zone. Thank you, Brad Paisley, for this perfect song (Anna, don’t cry). And thank you, Patagonia, for a ski jacket called the “Snowbelle,” you are just what I need.