Your face, Lord, I will seek.

This morning I find myself still curled up in my bed with a cup of coffee, a bagel, my journal, and my Bible. My hair is just a little bit tangly and I'm still in the sweatshirt I slept in, but it's kind of my own little oasis and safe haven.  It's the only way that I knew to end this long week.

It's been one of those weeks where nothing really makes sense.

I have cried nearly every day for some reason or another, but I have also laughed so hard to the point that it hurts.

I have lost all sense of understanding for the future, but I have also been overwhelmed by a sense of peace.

I have had my heart hurting for so many friends and then have been reminded by the Lord that He is Sovereign and that He loves each of my friends more than I ever could.

I have had moments of complete and utter panic that have been replaced by moments of excitement and freedom.

I have made difficult decisions that I never wanted to make, but still have known that it is what the Lord wanted.

And so this Saturday morning, I am taking a little personal time... time to relax, breathe, and reflect. The Lord so perfectly and specifically gave me Psalm 27 to read this morning.

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?

When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh,

when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.

Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear;

though war break out against me, even then I will be confident.

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.

For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling;

he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.

Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me;

at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; 

I will sing and make music to the Lord.

Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;

be merciful to me and answer me.

My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"

Your face, Lord, I will seek.

Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger;

you have been my helper.

Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior.

Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.

Teach me your way, O Lord; 

lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.

Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, 

for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence. 

I am still confident of this: 

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord; 

be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

After this week, this psalm is the cry of my heart.

Lord Jesus, I echo David's words in this psalm. I pray that I do dwell in Your house all the days of my life and that I can spend eternity gazing upon Your beauty. It has been a confusing week, but my heart will not fear. Lord, I will continue to seek Your face and I pray that You continue to teach me Your good and perfect way. I trust that You are Sovereign and that You are faithful. I trust that You will remain faithful, even if I am faithless. And Lord, I am still confident of this: I will see Your goodness in the land of the living. Heavenly Father, I am waiting for You. In Your perfect and pleasing name, Amen.

Prayer for Bringing the Brokenhearted to Jesus

Today I echo this prayer from Scotty Smith on the Gospel Coalition. I highly suggest checking out his prayer blog, and also checking out the Gospel Coalition in general. I am thankful for the truths in this prayer and for our Lord who hears our prayers.

The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Dear Lord Jesus, I’m increasingly grateful for all the reasons the Father sent you into the world. When I look in the mirror of the Word, I’m thankful that you came to set me free from my imprisonment to sin and death and to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor. In the gospel I hear you singing these words over me: “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 8:1). I have no righteousness apart from yours, Lord Jesus.

When I look at places like Haiti, Calcutta, and Darfur, I’m so thankful that you came to preach good news to the poor—not just good news concerning spiritual poverty but also the good news of a kingdom which provides food for the hungry, clean water for the thirsty, shelter for the homeless, advocacy for the marginalized, family for the orphan.

When I look at systemic evil in the world—human trafficking, the idolatry of greed, an ideology of terror, the pornography industry, to name a few—I’m so thankful that you’ve also come to proclaim the day of vengeance of our God. No one is a greater champion of justice than you, Lord Jesus. One day, all the pillaging weeds of unrighteousness will be replaced with mighty oaks of righteousness—”a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor” (Isa. 61:3).

Today, Lord Jesus, I’m also deeply grateful that you’re close to the brokenhearted and that you save those who are crushed in spirit. To your throne of grace, I bring friends who just miscarried their third baby; a single mom who recently discovered her cancer has returned; a pastor who finally snapped under the weight of too much criticism and stress in his church; friends whose son continues to act out so destructively; yet another wife who has discovered her husband’s affair. I cry out to you on behalf of all of these friends.

Lord Jesus, no one was broken in heart and body like you, no one was crushed in spirit like you, and you did it all for us. I praise you that you comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve—that you bear our burdens and give us more grace. Oh for the Day when we will forever be done with a spirit of despair and will only wear the garment of praise. So very Amen I pray, in your kindhearted and compassionate name.

Is God's Heart Really That Big?

Sometimes I have a difficult time conceptualizing how big our God really is. I ask myself questions like...
... How can God know me and each of my roommates so personally and individually?
... How can He love the entire world... even the people groups who are completely unreached?
... Why does God care about me when there are innocent women being sold into the sex trafficking industry?
... How can He fully understand the complexities of each human being, but then also the communal dynamics?
... How does He remain faithful to those who hate Him? 

Is God's heart really that big?

This morning I was reading the Old Testament book of Jonah and the greatness of the Lord's heart became a little more evident.

God loved, pursued, and knew Jonah personally. He cared about Jonah and had a plan for him personally. He called Jonah to the city of Nineveh and He had purpose for him there. He provided for Jonah individually. "Then the Lord God provided a vine and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the vine" (Jonah 4:6). God made a vine grow specifically for Jonah just to make him more comfortable... that is specific and individualized love and care.

And God feels that way about us individually as well... He loves us. He pursues us. He knows us. All individually.

But God also cared deeply for the Ninevites. The Ninevites were not exactly the world's most do-good people. In fact, the book of Nahum says that Nineveh was guilty of evil plots against God; exploitation of the helpless; cruelty in war; and idolatry, prostitution, and witchcraft. Nineveh was a truly wicked city, yet God loved them deeply too and asked Jonah to preach there. The Lord asks Jonah, "But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?" (Jonah 4:11). He cared about all 120,000 people of Nineveh despite their wickedness.

In our world today, God is concerned with the thousands of evil-doers that are hurting our world. He cares about them despite their wickedness. And that is really hard for me to swallow or to imagine, but...

Our God really does have a heart that big.

He is greater than this world and He is greater than our hearts (1 John 3:20). He is greater than all I can comprehend.

He is great enough to love me individually and great enough to love those doing evil.

And for that, I am glad. 

God is Jealous for Chapel Hill

I've come to the conclusion that I live in a pretty unique place. I say I live in Chapel Hill these days because it's where I attend school and spend the majority of my time.

It is a town of immense diversity. The people that call Chapel Hill home come from all walks of life. The university is the heart of the town and gives it vivacity in the school season. The university is one of prestige, which often leads to many intellectual thinkers. Chapel Hill beckons students, professors, scholars, researchers, doctors, and scientists from all over the world. Chapel Hill is also a part of Research Triangle Park which is home to some of the brightest people in the world... needless to say, it is an intellectual environment (more often than not, over my head). Chapel Hill is also in the south, so it has it's southern charm and it's traditional southern folk. It is a fairly wealthy town, yet there is also a large homeless population. It is a majority liberal town, but there is definitely a population of staunch conservatives. It simply, is diverse.

It is unique and there are all sorts of people here from all walks of life and I do truly love Chapel Hill.

There is nothing better than Carolina blue skies and game day.

The Bell Tower

The Old Well: a Carolina tradition

Sunsets never looked so good.

There is one thing that has saddened me over my four years here though and that is that God's heartbeat does not beat very strong here in the people of Chapel Hill. The open and intellectual mindsets have pushed Jesus to the side in many cases. Chapel Hill is home to one of the world's leading Biblical scholars who is also an atheist and it is a place where intellectual doubts run rampant and people question God because of all their intellectual doubts. There are several churches here in Chapel Hill from all denominations and some of them are truly life-giving churches and others have inevitably turned into Sunday morning fashion shows and life competitions. Do not get me wrong, there are many faithful and strong Christians in Chapel Hill, but they are most certainly in the minority. I live with some of the most passionate Christ-followers that I know, but still, Chapel Hill sometimes seems lifeless when in it comes to Jesus.

But it is slowly changing.

I have attended the Summit Church the past year and a half and have grown to truly love the mission of the church. The motto of the the Summit is "Love God. Love each other. Love our world." I feel the presence of the Lord when I am there and I have seen some amazing things come from the Summit. I feel blessed to be a part of that community.

I heard that Summit was launching a Chapel Hill campus at the beginning of the fall and was beyond excited. Come to find out, it had been in people's prayers for over four years. I had previously been driving 25 minutes to get to the Briar Creek campus in Durham and it was awesome to know that where I attend church would now be in the town I live.

East Chapel Hill High School was chosen as the meeting place location for the Summit in Chapel Hill. That is the school where I lead Young Life and spend multiple hours during the week with my high school friends. I could not have been more excited for the doors that were opening.

And this past weekend the Chapel Hill campus launched. There were two services on Sunday morning, one at 9AM and one at 11AM.

The Lord did many MIGHTY things that morning. More than 1,100 people attended church in both services combined. 1,100 people... individuals... hearing the gospel preached. There was one rather large, yet awesome problem to have: 200 people were turned away from the 9:00AM service because the auditorium's capacity was maxed out. Wow, God, thank You for bringing so many people out to hear Your word.

As all of the volunteers realized that people were not being able to attend the service we began to pray... praying that they would come back to the 11:00 service and they they would still feel loved and welcomed despite the predicament.

While we were praying all together one man prayed some words that rung so deep into my inner being that tears began streaming down my face. He prayed for East Chapel Hill High School and the students there. He prayed that Jesus would come alive in the hearts of the high schoolers that attend the school where the Summit is being held. He prayed for all of the high schoolers that I have been praying for since I got placed at East three and half years ago. And I cried when I heard that prayer being prayed because it was one that has been on my heart for so long and it was so comforting to have a man pray for those students when he is not even in ministry with them.

Worshiping the Lord and hearing the pastor preach in East Chapel Hill High School brought so many tears to my eyes. The Lord was doing MIGHTY things in that place.

And there was life in East Chapel Hill High School and there was life in Chapel Hill.

After church a girl that I know well at East and who attended the service texted me and said, "It's the first time I've felt God at East and the Lord has done so much." Praise Jesus!

The thing is... it is not about large numbers, or about the Summit, or about the pastor, or about all of the things that went into making church happen at a school...

It is about God. It is about the Lord who loves His people and who sent His Son to die on a cross to save them. It is about the gospel and the life that it gives. And it is about the individuals who get to hear about Jesus' immense love from them. 

My God, He is jealous for Chapel Hill. And so am I.

A Fear of Insignificance and a Really Broken Heart

The other day I woke up with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I could not figure out why or what it was that was bothering me. I sat there befuddled.

But then I realized what it was... I was scared... and still am. I am scared of living an insignificant life.

Going into the last semester of my college career, I am facing a future of decisions. I am beginning to consider what I want to be doing next year and where I want to live. There are so many thoughts that go through my mind every single day and the thought of making an actual decision is simply nerve racking. 

But the one thing I do know: I do not want to live an insignificant life and I do not want my passion for Jesus to ever stop increasing.

But I am scared that I will wake up in 20 years, living a mediocre life, with a faint heart for Jesus, behind a white picket fence, living a very typical life. Don't get me wrong, I am not against white picket fences, but I am surely against a life that is not fully intoxicated with Jesus and that is not centered around Him. I do not want people to only realize that I am Christian because I go to church on Sunday mornings... I want it to be evident by the way that I live my life and the way that I love the people around me.

I am scared that the decisions I make will slowly lead to just an average life. Not intentionally, of course, but that it just kind of happens.

I am scared that I will somehow get stuck in a Christian bubble with blinders that has somehow missed the gospel and that my life will be merely centered around what is "best" for me.

The more that I have recognized this fear inside of me, the more that it has shined light on another fear tucked even deeper inside my heart... the fear of a broken heart.

I am not talking about a broken heart that comes from a boy who said something not very nice that can be cured with best friends, cookie dough, and a few tears. I am talking about the kind of broken heart that turns your stomach upside down and that leaves you in utter desperation.  It is the kind of broken heart that demands action and response... that kind of broken heart, yea, I am terrified of it. 

I was fifteen the first time I remember my heart being broken in that kind of way.

It was at Walker's house my sophomore year of high school that I first watched the original "Invisible Children" documentary. I remember watching the film with Paige and we were both utterly disgusted and torn to pieces. We were horrified that young children were having to walk many miles every single evening in order to avoid abduction by the LRA and lives were being completely obliterated in northern Uganda over this intense conflict. The facts and realities were devastating and my heart broke and I was only fifteen.

That year Invisible Children was putting on multiple rallies throughout the country in order to raise awareness about the tragedy going on in Uganda. The nation-wide rally movement was called "Displace Me." Over a million Ugandans were displaced from their homes as a result of the wars, and the rally was a demonstration to bring awareness to that. The "Displace Me" demonstration involved sleeping outside, with only cardboard, one bottle of water, and saltine crackers. Paige and I, with out fifteen-year-old broken hearts, were insistent upon going.

The closest "Displace Me" event was happening in Washington, D.C. on the Mall in front of the Washington Monument. We begged and begged our parents to be able to go. Danielle, Walker, and Gill decided that they wanted to come as well. Finally, after a lot of convincing, my dad and Paige's dad decided they would chaperone our efforts and accompany us to D.C. as we slept outside (thank you, Dad :))

It was an extremely moving event and I loved every minute of it. I had never slept outside before (not even in a tent), but that night was the night. We slept outside with 6,000 other people and with some little bits of cardboard. We gave up our water and saltines and in order to get any of it we had to walk a certain distance. It was a humbling experience for my fifteen year old self.

My heart was truly broken at that time. I remember talking about going beforehand in my class and some of my other peers could not wrap their head around why I would actually care to do something like that. It made no sense to them and they said that it sounded "stupid" to them. But to me at the time, it was the only way that I knew how to act in response to my broken heart.

But since those high school days, I have become afraid to have my heart be broken like that again. I am afraid to have my heart truly broken because it requires action... and those actions do not always make sense to a lot of people.

I am scared now to really ask God to break my heart for what breaks His because I know that when it breaks, like reallllllly breaks, that it is going to break hard. So hard that it might fall to pieces until I act in response and actually do something... and that's scary.

I am terrified of what the consequences of a really broken heart might be.

I know that when my heart really breaks it's going to cause me to want to do things that people just do not understand and that quite frankly will not make sense to the average person. I want to love beyond my means and that simply just does not seem sensible all the time. 

Truth be told, my heart has started to break for a lot of different things. We live in a broken world and the results of that brokenness are everywhere... the sex trafficking industry, the school shootings, the millions of orphans worldwide, and the high school girls with absolutely no concept of self-worth... it is everywhere. Those are just naming a few.

But if my heart really breaks for all of those things I am afraid of being told that I am trying to do too much or that my dreams are too big. I am afraid of people telling me that I am crazy. I am afraid that I will be forever single because my life will never align with someone else's life.

I am so scared of letting my heart hurt that much for all of those different things that I am starting to erect little walls in my heart to keep me from feeling too much. I noticed the walls this past semester when I was in my Holocaust History course. I realized that I was able to effectively distance myself from the material so that I never felt too much. I noticed them again this past week at Passion when we talked about the 27 million people enslaved in the world... the little walls kept me always slightly disconnected so that it hurt and I was moved, but not to the point of total desperation. I was frustrated that maybe I just had a heart of stone... but then I realized that I was more terrified of what it meant to have a heart of true flesh.

But now when I am staring the millions of women being trafficked for sex in the face, I am utterly disgusted and appalled and my heart yearns for those women to know how much they are loved and valued by their Heavenly Father. My heart is desperate for Jesus to do something.

I feel the walls coming down, slowly but surely... they're crumbling and it's terrifying.

Fortunately though, the broken heart chases away the insignificant life.

I am reaching the point that I am realizing that I am going to have to ask the Lord to really break my heart for what break His and when He does I am going to have to be obedient in taking that action.

And when I am being obedient to Jesus then my life will have significance and that passion for Jesus will not die out.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and to provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." -Isaiah 61:1-3 

Goodbye Lists, Hello Jesus

There is something beautiful about a New Year... something intriguing, sparkly, delightful, and refreshing.

It is often the time that people make their New Year resolutions and make their vows to do all sorts of things... get healthy, start a new hobby, be more organized, etc. And there is something exciting about that time... visions are cast that portray new lives that are more engaged, passionate, healthy, bold, and wonderful.

That is beautiful and rejuvenating, but this year, that is not me.

Yes, I do have things that I would like to accomplish this year. Yes, I have some goals that I have in mind. Yes, I do want to be healthier. The truth is, there is always a list of things that I would like to be... there is always something that I want to improve on.

Truth be told, I made a list of 50 goals, hopes, and dreams for 2013. I'm pretty content with them too. Some of them are exciting, some are challenging, and some are just silly.

But just recently I glanced down at the list and a realized: I cannot live by a check list.

Since I can remember I have lived by a list... a list of things to do, a list of things I need to do better on, a list of things I want to accomplish, a list for everything.

All of those lists have left me feeling pretty defeated because the list never ends and I somehow am never good enough. The desire for perfectionism that is deeply rooted in my heart controls the lists and it never fairs wells.

So for 2013, I will not be living by the list and all the things I need to work on. I am going to focus more on dwelling in the love of the Lord and letting that revolutionize my life, rather than all of my lists.

At the end of 2013 I want to be able to say that I know Jesus more than I do today. So if I am going to have a "resolution" for 2013 it is going to be: know Jesus more. I want to experience life with Him even more and I want to continue seeking His will for my life. I want to know more of His love for me and His love for the world.

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross." (Colossians 1:15-20) 

There is something intimately magical and mysterious about who Jesus is and I want this year to be about knowing Him even more. "Knowing Jesus more" does not necessarily fall into a SMART (Specific.Measurable.Attainable.Realistic.Timely) goal, but that's okay with me. Knowing Jesus more will be the thing that forever alters my life, not all of my lists of things to work on.

I am saying goodbye to the list of improvements that need to be made. I am saying goodbye to the unreachable goals of perfection... but I am saying hello to knowing Jesus more.

I am truly excited for this upcoming year. It is going to be one of enormous change and huge milestones. It is the year of graduating from college and the year of beginning to pursue something that I love. It's going to be wild and it's going to be challenging, but most importantly, it's going to be full of Jesus.

Coffee: Grace to My Heart

There is something kind of magical about local coffee shops. They are the places that nurse my heart and help me to breathe and relax. So today I found a little coffee shop in downtown Greensboro to let me heart rest once more.

I wanted Christmas break to be a time of relaxation and rejuvenation, but it simply has not been. This break has been more exhausting than anything because my days have been dictated by being mad and frustrated... at myself. 

I cannot meet the expectations that I have for myself. I measure myself against perfection and these days perfection seems like a foreign concept.

I know that I will never be perfect. I know that God does not expect perfection. I know that Jesus is perfect. But even though I "know" all of that... I surely have not been living like that.

And it has made my heart a little dry and my soul a little sore.

I am supposed to have it all together. I am supposed to be all smiles all day. I am supposed to be a good gift giver. I am supposed to love selflessly. I am supposed to show Christ to my family. I am supposed to be the social planner. I am supposed to know how I feel. I am supposed to always be on the go. I am supposed to be encouraging to others. I am supposed to read my Bible everyday. I am supposed to have it all together. I am supposed to be optimistic all the time. I am supposed to have a lot of friends. I am supposed to be fearless. I am supposed to be patient. I am supposed to be wise. I am supposed to show everyone grace. I am supposed to live out of honest and vulnerable places. I am supposed to be............. perfect.

But I am not. 

Quite frankly, I do not know if I have perfected a single one of those things these days... or if I have even half-way succeeded.

Rather these days of "break" have consisted of a watered-down version of myself that is tired and sick... a version that is irritable and sad and anxious and not very nice. It's a version that's fire for Jesus seems like a bonfire that is slowly dying. 

And if there is one thing that I am definitely not good at, it is showing myself grace.

But today, I am putting my foot down. I am choosing to show myself some grace and I am choosing to not measure myself against a mark of perfection... a perfection that I will never reach.

Instead of staring at my own imperfections and all of the places that I am falling short these days, I am choosing to sit at the foot of the cross. I am choosing to hand Jesus all of the broken pieces that make up my life and give them to Him.

So I'm embarking on the process of letting my tired heart heal and rest.

It is going to be a process, but it's starting today... in a little coffee shop on Tate Street... at a table that is shaped like a coffee mug (I think Jesus knows me really well).

So I'm showing myself some grace today with a little latte. 

"For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." - 1 John 3:20

 

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved." - Ephesians 2:4

On the Hunt for Christmas

I love the holidays. I love everything about the Christmas season. For a person who delights in the little things, Christmas time is delight overload and it's magical and wonderful.

... the twinkle lights ... the baking ... the gingerbread houses ... the Christmas parties ... the shopping ... the decorations ... the gift wrapping ... the bows ... the nativity scenes ... the peppermint everything ... the music and carols ... everything Christmas ... it's simply delightful

Since my friends and I were fifteen we have been having the same annual Christmas party. It's always at Katie's house and it's always full of some of my favorite memories. We have continued the tradition since all going our different directions in college and each break I always look forward to the party that brings us all back together.

For a little trip down memory lane...

2006: We were fifteen and sophomores and knew not a care in the world.

2007: We were sixteen and growing up and didn't know how to pose for pictures.

2008: We were seventeen and seniors and never got a whole group picture...

2009: We were eighteen and freshmen in college and crazier than ever.

2010: We were nineteen and loving college.

2011: We were twenty and getting old and tackier than ever.

The memories have been plentiful and I am so thankful for each person in each one of these pictures. Some friends have come in and out and then some other friends have been there from the beginning. Some of them know me better than any other people ever will because we have been together for so long.

And each year, the night before the Christmas party all of the girls come to my house to bake cookies.

Meet Danielle, Paige, Caitlin, Pooja, Katie, and Sam.

My besties since I was thirteen... kind of hard to believe.

Needless to say, the traditions do not end there. That is what I love about Christmas time. It is full of traditions and in turn, full of memories. Each year I look forward to Christmas beginning in October (but I do decline any Christmas celebrations until after Thanksgiving).

This year is different though. 

It doesn't feel like Christmas. It doesn't feel like the holidays. And the parties just aren't the same.

And boy let me tell you, I have tried to make it feel like Christmas...

I have tried nearly every Christmas-y drink at Starbucks. I have driven around to look at Christmas lights. I have had the music playing since the day after Thanksgiving. I have made the shopping lists. I have gone to Dave Barnes and Friends Christmas concert. I have sent out the Christmas cards. I have baked the Christmas cookies. I have kept my mom company as she has wrapped countless gifts.

I have really tried...

And on top of it all, the annual friends Christmas party just isn't quite the same this year. We're getting older and the family obligations are increasing. More of us seem to be traveling or seem to have people that are calling us other places. So this year, rather than the usual party, we're doing dinner at a nice restaurant all together. We're getting old and this is the last Christmas that it's guaranteed that we'll all be in Greensboro.

So it doesn't feel like Christmas. It just doesn't. And I have been a little bummed. Well actually, a lot bummed... because I love this time of year so much and it has been kind of a let down.

But in this season of not quite delight with Christmas, I have been able to see the truth... the real truth.

And the truth is that Christmas is not about the lights, the parties, the cookies, the shopping, and all of the music. It is not about all the things that have brought me so much delight in the past.

Christmas is about the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ and is about finding delight in Him. 

So that is where my focus is this year... on the birth of a child that completely turned the world upside down.

The Christmas story is so often told just like that... as a story. It is romanticized and told in a way that is often distant from our beings now. But the reality is that our lives were forever changed the moment that Jesus was welcomed onto the earth in a stable in Bethlehem. The Christmas story is not distant at all, it is the gospel.

Jesus' birth changed everything. He is Immanuel... God with us. There is something so incredibly beautiful about that... God with us... God... with ... us... 

God came to earth as a man and lived a perfect, sinless life. He died on the cross for our sins and was the ultimate sacrifice. He then defeated death and overcame the grave. Jesus has made us all new through the cross and the resurrection.

God came to earth Himself to be our savior. He is no longer a distant judge who we cannot commune with, but is God with us. Jesus Christ came to be trusted, leaned on, communed with, and walked with.

We now walk with God because Jesus Christ was born.

And in that, I will find my delight this season. My delight is in Immanuel... God with us. 

So it might not feel like my usual Christmas, but that is okay. I am making it my goal to spend the rest of this holiday season simply reflecting on what it means that Jesus is God with us. I challenge you to do the same.

Rags to Riches: Lessons from Nashville

Over Thanksgiving break I was bit by the travel bug. I was ready for a little traveling adventure and I knew that Christmas break would be the perfect time. Lucky for me, Jen (one of my housemates) texted me the next day asking if I would want to go to Nashville the first weekend of break because she had a job interview there. DUH! I was sold... Nashville, the home of country music, sounded delightful and just where I wanted to go.

It was decided. Anna, Jen, and I would go to Nashville right after Friday morning exams. Oh and the most exciting part, Amanda, would drive down and meet us for the weekend. Yes, please. Jen would have her interview Saturday morning, but the rest of the time we could explore and enjoy the music city.

Planning the actually logistics of a weekend trip to Nashville all happened a week before we left. I remembered my last traveling adventure over Fall Break and decided that a "plan" would be a good thing.

On that adventure Sarah, Anna, and I had no plans other than a plane ticket to Denver, CO and a house to stay in the first night.... the rest was figured out in the airport and on a minute to minute basis. There was a brief two hours when we considered staying in a stranger's mountain house in Breckenridge... It was free, in Breckenridge, and he seemed really nice... Lucky for us, reality set in and we realized maybe not the best decision. But we ended up booking some random hotels all over the state and our spontaneous Colorado trip was beautiful and wonderful and just what I needed at the time.

And the only thing planned was the flight we were about to get on and our first night's stay...

But it ended up all being perfect... exploring Denver, hiking, four-wheeling, seeing snow, visiting Crooked Creek... all perfect and all a truly beautiful gift from God.

So in comparison to Colorado, I thought we had it all figured out... We had booked a hotel, bought tickets for the Dave Barnes and Friends Christmas show, got restaurant recommendations from Macon (a Nashville native), and we even had directions to where we were staying. And when our parents asked about the plans, we said we had it all figured out and to not worry.  Surely we had it all together... or so we thought.

So this past weekend Anna, Jen, and I hopped in the car right after mine and Jen's Friday morning exams and were Nashville bound.

I love maps and love seeing where the road tripping is leading.

Making it to Tennessee was perfect and an absolutely beautiful drive through the Appalachian mountains... I LOVE MOUNTAINS.

After stopping for a snack in Asheville, NC we decided that we would just drive straight to Nashville and get dinner once we were there. It would be a little late for dinner, but we just wanted to get to the Music City.

After a good eight hour drive we made it to Nashville and were hotel bound. We wanted to check into our hotel before going to get dinner and before starting the evening. We were all really tired... I had maybe slept four hours the night before and had just come off a long week of exams, but we wanted to enjoy Nashville for all that it was.

Now all that we knew about the hotel was that it was cheap because it fit into our college budget and that it was in the "Downtown/Opryland" area. We had booked the hotel off of Expedia and it seemed like a really great deal. The downtown area was just where we wanted to be and it was close to Jen's interview on Saturday morning. And it was the perfect price for us college students... As college students loving adventure we knew that we couldn't stay in a super nice place so we were fine with bumming it and Jen brought her sleep sack just to avoid the sheets of the hotel bed.

As we were getting closer and closer to the hotel we started getting further and further from the seemingly safe parts of Nashville. We were entering into the much more run down and sketchy side of the city. I could hear Anna squirming more and more in the back seat and I was just laughing because that's all that I know to do in unfortunate situations.

After passing some old abandoned buildings, some stray dogs wandering around, and some large crowds of people we arrived at our hotel... our hotel that was really a motel because there was outdoor access to all of the rooms. And upon pulling into the parking lot of the hotel, we were starred down by a large group of guys just chilling in the parking lot. We were not comfortable... as twenty-one year old girls who do not know the area, this was not where we wanted to be and was surely not where we wanted to be staying.

But we thought we had it all figured out... We thought our plan was flawless... And I surely was not ready to accept defeat in this plan.

We stayed in the car for fifteen minutes, stomachs growling, contemplating what to do. We could just get over our fears and just stay at the hotel and "hope for the best." We could stay there one night since we were already there and figure out something else for the second night. We could just find a new hotel all-together, which would involve spending more money. Or we could sleep in the car since that would be free (this was never a real consideration though).

In this time of contemplation, tears started coming down my face. They were tears of frustration and of exhaustion. I just wanted this trip to be fun and cheap... not really sketchy. I can say now, crying was definitely not the solution to the problem, but it was the only thing that seemed adequate at the moment.

After talking all together, Anna, Jen, and I decided that we would go drive around downtown (the area we thought we would be staying in) and just see the prices of other hotels and see the availability there. We were driving up and down Broadway (where all the honky tonk bars are) calling hotels and seeing what it would cost to just stay there one night. We figured by the second night we could come up with a different plan.

All of the hotels in the area would be over $200 a night and would not include free parking. It was not an appealing price at all, especially coming off the cheap, sketchy hotel... and it was definitely not in the price range of the cheap college student adventure to Nashville.

We kept driving in circles contemplating what to do... just stay in the sketchy hotel where we would probably be fine, but where we would hardly sleep because we were nervous... OR just accept defeat in the original plan and pay a lot more money for the really nice hotel in the really nice location.

Eventually we decided... we would just splurge and book one night in the Hampton Inn downtown and then figure out another plan for the next night. I wasn't overly thrilled about the price, but it was getting late, and I was hungry and really exhausted and just wanted out of the car.

Jen called her mom to make sure that it would be okay to just put the hotel on their credit card for the night and we would just pay them back once we got home and get it all sorted out. Her mom so graciously agreed. We had to admit a little defeat to our parents though, which is never ever fun.

After booking the hotel and checking in, we were finally parking in the parking garage when Jen received a text message from her dad. It was simple: "The hotel is on me for both nights. You girls enjoy and have fun in Nashville."

Say what?! No more sketchy hotel, no more splurging on our parts, no more driving around aimlessly... instead we were getting a really nice hotel with fluffy white sheets, in a really great location, for two nights... all FREE to us.

It was perfect.

Except it was a little hard to except. I felt stupid that our plan had failed. I felt indebted to Jen's dad. I felt guilty that we had to ask for help.

But slowly those feelings slipped away and we got settled into our lovely hotel room. It had fluffy white pillows on the best mattresses. We were greeted by lemonade in the lobby. And we were a two minute walk to everything we wanted to do in Nashville.  This hotel was way better than any place we had ever imagined staying in.

The trip ended up being quite delightful. Amanda came down Saturday morning and spent the day and night with us. We explored downtown, visited the Vanderbilt area, did some shopping, saw Dave Barnes and Friends Christmas concert, went to Midtown church, and ate at lots of fun places. It was a wonderful way to begin this Christmas break and it was with some of my very best friends.

And I learned a lot about God... and the plan He has for us.

We ate at The Old Spaghetti Factory and got to play in this really fun Christmas train.

There is nothing like a huge Christmas tree and best friends to put you in the Christmas spirit. Thank you, Anna and Jen, for being the best friends to road trip with and for your traveling spirits as well.

So incredibly thankful that Amanda could drive down to Nashville to meet us and spend some time with us. I am so blessed to have a best friend that lives twelve hours away, but that I still get to see and adventure around with.

The Dave Barnes and Friends Christmas show was absolutely wonderful. Dave Barnes is absolutely hilarious and I was laughing the entire time. And his "friends" performing were some of my most absolute favorite people... they included Drew & Ellie Holcomb and Andrew Ripp.

"It's a crazy town full of neon dreams. Everybody plays, everybody sings. Hollywood with a touch of twang."

So the weekend worked out... better than we had imagined.

And that's how it is with God. Life with Him is way better than we can ever imagine.

So often we try and plan our own life. I know that I do this. I always come up with the plan that I think will be "best" and I do everything I can to act on that plan.

We come up with the "next semester" plan, the "next year" plan, the "five year" plan, the "ten year" plan, and then even the "life plan." Now all those plans may be full of great goals and ambitions and lots of fun adventures, but if they are not God's plans then they certainly not the BEST plans.

We all so often plan our future out without considering what our Heavenly Father has in plan for us. We often do not ask for help or guidance. We just barrel forward with what we want and hope for the best.

That is what we did with Nashville. We wanted to go, so we planned the trip. We booked a hotel without much consideration of the location and were just hoping for the best... well the best did not happen.

When we are not seeking the Lord's will in our life or when we are giving Him the cold shoulder in our plans we miss out on all that life can be... we get the sketchy hotels. We get a life that is manageable and is okay and is sometimes exciting, but it falls short of all that it can be.

We have to ask God for guidance and we have to ask God to show us His plans for us and we have to let God in.

In those moments we will find life that is truly abundant and is all that God intended for us. It is life that is full of sparkle and is beautiful and wonderful. And it is all part of a plan that we do not come up with... it is from God's plan for our life. It is a life that leads us to knowing Him more and to us bringing glory to Him.

We never imagined that we would be in as nice of a hotel that we were this weekend. But when we finally broke down and admitted that our plan was way less than ideal, and we asked Jen's parents for help we were given something way more abundant than we ever imagined. All we asked for was a credit card to temporarily book the hotel with, instead, we were given two nights at a nice hotel with great service and really nice sheets.

God wants to give us more than we can imagine, but we have to let Him into our lives and into our plans. We have to admit that our plans just are not cutting it. My plan and my way of doing things is simply not working.

But with my Heavenly Father there is life and there is beauty and there is excitement and there is someone holding me up when life does get rough. The cool thing too is that God can rescue us and He wants to. He wants to swoop in when we admit defeat.

This gift of life with God and in His plan is all free. There is nothing that I can do to earn it. It is truly by the grace of God that we can know Him and can walk with Him. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast" (Ephesians 2:8). With that grace of God there is no room for guilt or regret, there is only freedom. 

It's simple: God knows best. I do not.

And after being on this journey with God for a while now I do realize that His plan does not always lead me to four star hotels with best friends in really fun towns. I do know that it has brought me to places that are hard and where crying seems to be an everyday occurrence. It has brought me to places where my heart is broken, but the journey is always best with God. In the darkest places and in the deepest valleys, Jesus is holding my hand and is crying with me and comforting me. I know that I cannot do this "life-thing" on my own. I just simply cannot.

I am thankful for this reminder this past weekend. I am in a season where "life plan" is brought up in nearly every other conversation. And this weekend I was reminded that this "life plan" is not my own, it is the Lord's. 

I am beyond thankful that it is in this plan that I will know Jesus more and that I will be in a plan that is meant to glorify Jesus more. "In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory" (Ephesians 1:11-12).


My prayer is the same as that of Paul for the Ephesians:

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to the his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

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Side Note: I must give credit to Anna for all of the wonderful pictures that I put on this blog usually. She is the photographer of the McMansion and is a true lover of pictures... and she is really, really talented. She has her own photography blog and you should really check it out.

Sizzle and Pop Semester

“I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift.” - Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines 

 

[A few of my favorite things from this semester...]

1. Dates with this dear friend, Jen, to fancy desert places and to the movies just because we can.  Jen is one of the wisest and most sincere people that I know. I feel truly blessed to have her in my life and I cannot wait to see where the Lord moves her next year. I am really really really hoping that it's to the West Coast.

2. I live in a house known as the McMANSION. These girls are my absolute best friends here in Chapel Hill and they know me so very well. We have fun together and we dress up like nerds for dance parties and we just live our lives everyday in the Lord's freedom. They are the most wonderful friends and housemates.

3. I got to spend this Thanksgiving at my family's lake house with my family and it was extremely relaxing and peaceful. My brother, Cole, came home from his freshman year at college at Salisbury University in Maryland so I got to see him for the first time since mid-August.

4. So sometimes we sneak on the football fields for photo shoots and take ridiculous pictures, making ridiculous faces, in ridiculous poses. But these girls are the absolute best and I LOVE Carolina football.

5. When holiday season rolls around in Chapel Hill there is always an excuse to get dressed up in some costume and to celebrate. For Thanksgiving this year, the girls of Blue Kenan decided to have a Pilgrims and Indian feast. It was mighty delicious and it was full of some of the most fun people.

6. Getting dressed up, spending the evening with the best Young Life team around, and watching one of your old teammates walk down the aisle to marry her best friend? Yes, I would call that one of my favorite things.

7. These friends are known as the kitch snitches and they make me smile each and everyday.

8. Some nights it only makes sense to drop everything you are supposed to be doing and to go play in the rain and to jump in the most epic of puddles and to have attempt to float down McCauley St.

9. It was such a blessing to have nearly all of the McMansion parents to our house for a tailgate before the Parent's Weekend football game. It was so fun hosting them and having them all meet.

10. These ladies are some of the juniors at East Chapel Hill High and they inspire me each and everyday and I cannot imagine my life without them. I love them each so dearly and feel blessed to be their Young Life leader.

11. Fall is most definitely one of my favorite seasons and the pumpkin patch makes me feel like a kid again.

12. In my adventures to Colorado over Fall Break I got to see this guy at Crooked Creek. He has become one my best friends after interning together the past two summers and it was such a blessing to be able to see him while we were out there.

13. The vastness of the Lord's creation was impeccable while we went 4-wheeling in a valley in Colorado. It was a beautiful and adventurous trip and I was constantly being swept away by the Lord's greatness.

14. These two girls, the most bestest friends in the world, planned the best surprise that I have ever received. Amanda, my bestie from Indiana, flew in to surprise me for a weekend and Syd helped it all go down. I have never felt more loved by my friends than I did that weekend.

15. It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight, to fall in love with strangers. We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. It's miserable and magical, oh yeah. Tonight's the night we forget about the deadlines, it's time. Thank you, Taylor Swift, for midnight Waffle House inspiration and thank you, Jesus, for best friends.

16. I have spent countless hours with these dear friends and teammates meeting, praying, and living life together. They have seen me at my worst and at my best and they are the best people to have by my side as we lay down our lives and attempt to love high schoolers like Christ has loved us.

What have been some of your favorite parts of the semester? Where have you seen and experienced Jesus? What are your hopes and goals for next semester?