For the past few months I would say that I have been in a season of transition. A season of transitioning from college to the post-grad life. This season of transition has been full of emotions, ups and downs, and all that go in-between.
For the longest while I blamed the swing that was my emotions and the madness that was my head and the confusion that was my heart on the "transition season."
I swept many issues under the rug to be handled at a later date or after the transition phase had passed. But in that, I have come to realize that I have been living through a much larger season of life. One that while being lived in could not be easily named or easily recognized.
It was (and still is a little bit) a season of circles.
A season that is delicately held together by the cyclical motion. It is a season like a merry-go-round: full of pretty lights and sweet music, coupled with the ups and downs of the horses' movement and the questioning of when it will ever stop.
To describe the circles seems silly because there are so many pieces comprising them. The words juxtapose themselves in ways that are difficult to comprehend and make this a season that is not easily identifiable.
In my feeble attempts to put words to this season I can say that it has been a season of: frustration, excitement, grasps for Truth, guilt, delight, feelings of being less than and not good enough, recognition of my sin, anger, celebration, heartbreak, beauty, unbelief, blessing, and love.
Now is the time to say WHAT? Jordan, you're crazy. All those words do not fit together in any sort of picture. And it's true, they don't. They don't make a lot of sense.
But as I said, it's a season of circles. Circling through each of those places on repeat, over and over... over and over. I have asked myself when is it going to stop, more times than once actually.
The lessons I have been learning never seem to stick... it has been as if they are going in circles, dragging me through each of those places multiple times. There have been moments of victory where I feel as if I am on the cusp of something real and lasting, only to be met with tears a month later when I have forgotten all that the Lord has done and said to me... and the circle only begins again.
And now I can finally say: I think the circle might just be breaking. At least a little bit. This summer it's been broken, piece by piece, slowly but surely.
I can finally recognize that I have watered God down to a mere list of lessons and truths that I have needed to learn and know:
1- God loves, adores, and cares for me. 2- I am made in God's image. 3- I am safe in Christ. 4- The Lord is faithful to what He has promised. 5- The Lord's love is unfailing. 6- I am not defined by how other people see me or how I see myself, but by how the Lord sees me. 7- The Lord not only loves me, but likes me. 8- The Lord has a plan for my life. 9- My worth is in the Lord and in nothing else.
Those are the lessons that have been on repeat, over and over and over... never sticking and never really making any sense in the deepest part of my heart. It is easy to proclaim those truths over someone else's life, but just not my own.
I have finally come to see that maybe, just maybe, these lessons are not ones that are meant to be crossed off a list, but are ones that are meant to be believed by the deepest part of my heart and soul. It's no longer about Bible verses just being memorized, but about the God-breathed Scripture being engrained in all of my thoughts, words, and actions.
It is about the Holy Spirit breathing life into the deepest part of my soul and letting Him write those truths throughout all the parts of me and guarding me from the many lies of the enemy.
So come, Holy Spirit, come.
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