Thursday, May 30, 2013

Where I Have Been

My hands sit heavy as I write this... it has been a while. A while since I have written on this blog and a while since I have written in general.

A lot has happened. My life has been a whirlwind and I am desperately attempting to gasp for air so that I can breathe and get some clarity and balance once more.

The last few weeks of school were madness... full of spending time with people, studying for exams, and closing chapters of my life in Chapel Hill. It was absolutely wonderful... most of the time. There were certainly times of sadness and frustration, but overall, it was delightful.

young life end of the year cookout
last young life with these ladies
sloaner vists
jen graduates from grad school... get it girl.
best friend time, always
broskis visit for the grad party



And then I graduated from the University of North Carolina. I turned my tassel and became a graduate, never to be a student again (well at least for a little bit).


mcmansion does graduation
fam lovin'
After graduation I packed up my life in the McMansion, haphazardly throwing things into boxes marked "North Carolina", "Michigan", and "Colorado"... the three states that will all be holding parts of my life in the coming year. While packing, I vowed to never ever become a hoarder and became a huge supporter for donating and throwing away the clutter (of which the McMansion had a ton).

Then I hopped in a car and began a road trip through the Midwest with Jen, spending most of our time in Chicago and northern Michigan. We explored, stayed in swanky places, and hung out with some really amazing friends.

pit stop in carmel, indiana to see t.c. & kendall
karlie came to play in chi-city with us
best travel companion
white sox game... just the most perfect american past time
the bestie surprised me in chicago & we visited the art institute... all my favorite things
high school best friend IN chicago... so awesome.
sleeping bear dunes & lake michigan
lake missaukee sunsets: one of my favorite northern michigan secrets

And now I have landed myself at Timber Wolf Lake in Lake City, MI for a week or so.

After all of that goodness, it would be easy to explain just how wonderful it has been and how incredibly blessed I have felt by the Lord in this time. And while all of that is true, I must admittedly write how tough the past three months have been too... all while I have been having so much fun.

It was not noticeable when I was quickly moving through the end of school, not staying still long enough to realize or process what I was actually feeling. I had just enough time to smile, laugh, casually mention the craziness, and then move on to the next thing.

But a lot of unexpected and not so great things happened as school was coming to a close as well. I tried desperately to fight them through prayer and positivity and it was working... for a little while.

Until one night after graduation... I sat on my bed talking to Bri and I had no choice but to admit that I was exhausted... physically (that I am used to), emotionally (it's happened before), and then also spiritually (my least favorite). There was no more hiding to be done, I felt completely empty and spent.

With each not so great thing that happened at the end of the semester, I started to become more and more discouraged. I tried to stay strong, but each time I started to have a grasp on certain situations, something else seemed to happen.

When talking to Bri, I explained that I did not think there was anything left in me. I had no more energy to fight the negative thoughts, to claw away at the guilt, to work towards healing, or to have any more difficult conversations. I did not know what to pray anymore because I was at a loss for words and for understanding.

Bri responded in the most loving and the most encouraging manner. She simply said, "It's okay. Now it just means God will be the only one to do something."

There was nothing left in me, but all was left in God.

It was then that I packed up my life in Chapel Hill, only to stuff my car full of bags, to head on a road trip to Chicago and then ultimately Michigan for a month or so. At the end of Jen and I's adventures I landed myself in the Adult Guest Lodge at Timber Wolf Lake for a few days. I know that God knew what He was doing sending me on this little adventure. I got to spend so much time with Jen before I eventually move to Colorado and I got to reunite with so many wonderful friends and I got to have a sleep over with my bestie. My heart and my soul needed those days to travel, to goof off, to be adventurous, to not have a care in the world and then it needed those days to sit in a place that I love and to spend time dwelling in God's Word and begin to have my soul restored at TWL. 

In this time I have continued to go back to 2 Chronicles 20. It is one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. It is the passage where Jehoshaphat goes up against Moab and Ammon. As the leader of the people of Judah he cries out to the Lord. Jehoshaphat's words seem to be the only thing that make any sort of sense to me these days:

"We do know what to do, but our eyes are on you." (v. 12)


He goes on later to encourage the people by reminding them that it is not their battle, but it is God's battle (v. 15). God was going to fight for them. "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem," (v. 17) said Jehoshaphat.

Today, all that I can muster up the energy to say is: Lord, I do not know what to do, but my eyes are upon You. Please deliver me from this battle. Deliver me from my fears, doubts, and insecurities. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew the spirit within me.

The battle is not mine any longer. I have put in a good fight, but after a lot of desperate attempts to keep it together, I am relinquishing all control. I am in need of the Lord's grace for everything.
I have experienced the Lord in mighty mighty ways here at Timber Wolf and I know that I could be in no better place for this time right now. Some days it may be difficult, but I am trusting that the Lord has not failed me yet and He will not in this time either.

I'm beyond excited for where I am heading after this as well... in just a week, I have the honor and the privilege to head to Michindoh, a Young Life rental property, for four weeks. We are going to have three weeks of WyldLife camping and then one week of YoungLives camping, ministry geared towards teen mothers. I am going to be serving as the admin and retail intern for the month and I could not be more thrilled. It's going to be a time to focus solely on setting the stage for middle school and high school students to know Christ... what a joy. I can't think of anything better. I am so pumped to serve on the Michindoh team and am already anticipating all of the ways that the Lord is going to move at camp. 

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