The Voice of Summer

And it all lays quiet. Not a person is stirring and all the buildings are asleep for a nap. We all take a sigh of relief because summer is over.

A still, small voice is saying, "I love you." A voice that I searched for, hoped for, and yearned for this summer. And voice that some days was hard to understand and hard to be believed.

Because this summer was one of absolute chaos. It was the summer of ending a year internship, but the beginning of transitioning into a full-time job. And it was the summer of having fifteen new friends come into our home. It was the summer of applying and interviewing for a job and then anxiously awaiting to hear. It was the summer of loving Colorado, but missing North Carolina. It was the summer of living in limbo and trying everyday to love twelve high school girls that worked in the washboard. And it was a summer of searching for the voice of truth... for the voice that comes after the clouds clear and after the tears have been shed.

session one buttons: mary margaret, katie, jordan, taylor, hannah, mia, abby, meg, sarah neal, grayson, gretta //
bosses : cara & robyn 

second session buttons: stelly, jessica, deanna, ashley, ashia, kinsey, sarah, laney, olivia, lauren, alise, lizzie //
bosses: hannah & lindsay

third session buttons: gabrielle, morgan, brooke, abby, mc, claire, jade, leah, lauren, izzy, kendyl, lucy caroline // bosses: kaylan & cassidy

And that's hard. No one can ever really prepare you for the amount of transition you experience that first year after the college, and well probably not for the second either. No one tells you that one morning you may wake up feeling completely alone, only to go to sleep feeling so incredibly loved... or vice versa. No one tells you that just when you think that you have met all the best friends that you could possibly have, that there are still more to come. No one tells you that tears are the words you just can't put together. No one tells you that heartbreak comes in more than one fashion. No one tells you that some days feel like shit and the next day feels like heaven on earth. No one tells you because it is hard to feel that anything is stable and that any day is going to be the same as the one before.

And in all of the chaos, the voice still speaks. The voice never stops speaking. Some days the voice feels far away, but it is always still full of truth and beauty.

Colorado summers show you that. When the snow melts, there is abundant moisture and green fields to frolic in. While some days you feel stuck in the valley, the mountaintops are proof that there are high places.

I needed to know that this summer. I needed to know that I am not stuck in the bottomless pit of transition. I needed to know that the Lord still loved me, even though I didn't love myself every single day. I needed to know that there is beauty in the ashes.

And the Lord showed me that in days spent playing outside, in sweet new friendships, in sunsets, and in adventures.

:::here's to a summer that I will absolutely never forget:::

{dominguez canyon backpacking}

{fly camping with these girls}

{packs for days with the best}

{tip top of a fourteener in sandals. we do weird things}

{carnivals on carnivals}

{mountaintop fourth}

{rainbow promises}

{washboardt captain laughter}

{meet new longtime bestie, hannah}

{hearing this girl's testimony at work crew night}

{table panoramas for days}

{devil's thumb hiking adventures}

{forever friends}

{playing in fields}

{sunsets in rocky mountain national park}

{rooftop love}

{granby ranch}

{crooked creek ranch summer interns 2014}

Welcoming MJ

Word on the street is that twenty-three is good. And well the second year out of college sounds better than the first.

The truth is that no one really explains to you what life is like post-graduation. There is no way to really put words to it. It is all described in vague terms with no real picture of what it is really like to be a girl, out of college, away from all your best friends, and just trying to figure out what the hell you are doing.

And that's how I spent my twenty-second year: wondering a whole lot of what the hell is this and learning that life is hard, but much better with Jesus.

In my twenty-second year I also moved from North Carolina to Colorado for the year, but in this twenty-third I'll make that move permanent and become a Colorado resident, license plate and all.

Twenty-two left me gasping for air, wondering when a break was coming, and when I would finally feel fully like myself. It left me missing North Carolina while also falling in love with the Rockies. It showed me that Jesus is better than anything else, but somedays it just wouldn't always feel like that in this life of mine.

And now twenty-three is coming. Well actually, it's here.

And I have high hopes for twenty-three. It's time to move myself into a little house nestled here in the Fraser Valley and to begin my job as the Housekeeping Supervisor at Crooked Creek. And it's time to begin figuring out more of this post-grad life. It's time to buy a KitchenAid mixer because I can, I want one, and I don't think it has to be a wedding gift some later time in life.

And it's time for the blog again. My time has not been spent here for a while. There are a lot of excuses why, but mainly because my heart hasn't been in it. I haven't quite known what to say and I have been living in the moment (hello summer at a Young Life camp #insanity). I am excited to work in this space again and to pour my heart into it once more. And special thanks to Hannah and Sarah in the Crooked Creek bakery who were such an encouragement.

I don't have much figured out. Not much more than what I had in the twenty-second year, but this time I'm learning to be okay with that. I am learning to go with the day and to accept the things that I simply cannot change, but trust that Jesus will do immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine. I am beginning to see that most things are more about the process and a lot less about the end result.

So here's to my MJ year. I welcome you.

I welcome your questions, your confusion, your adventure, your plane tickets, and your goodness. I know that you won't be easy, but I know that you will be that good for the soul, stretching kind of year.

Katy Perry and New Things Coming

Some days you hear the Lord speak to you through Scripture and some days you hear Him through your besties and some days you Him through a good sermon. And then there are the days, you hear the Lord through Katy Perry. And it's those days you are quite positive that God has a sense of humor and that you are going to be okay.

This winter has encapsulated everything truly winter. There has been snow. A lot of it. 374 inches to be exact thus far. The grass has disappeared under these mounds of snow. Green has become just a faint color of memory and has been replaced with glistening white and the dreary days of grey. The wild flowers lay dormant, asleep until the ground unfreezes and there is hope of rain for precipitation as opposed to snow. The water has frozen over, making it perfect for ice skating and ice fishing. Mornings have been spent shoveling snow and days off have been spent on the mountain skiing and snowboarding. Coffee has become necessary for warmth, for energy to shovel, and for soul revival.

so much snow that you can make igloos.

And even at the very end of April I was questioning the ending of winter. Will it ever come? Snow is still falling and some morning temperatures are enough to make you want to stay in bed all day. Snow is forecasted for next week in May and I am preparing to shovel snow off the grass in order to make summer camp seem like "summer camp." Oh seriously, will this winter ever end?

<<sidenote: I actually really love winter, the snow, and time spent with people shoveling... it really isn't too bad, but it's been a long while of it all>>

And amidst this winter season, it has been more than just the weather that has been dragging, confusing, and dreary. There have been more questions than can be answered. And in many ways I have wondered where the Lord is working exactly. It seems as if He decided to lay dormant for just a little while, like the flowers. I've known all along that the Lord is here, but not quite sure what His plan or purpose was. And in so many ways, winter has been happening all around.

But then Monday night Young Life club happens and we sing "Roar." And it all kind of hits me. The Lord may seem like He is not doing a lot right now and that His purpose may not make a lot of sense, but soon we are going to hear Him ROAR.

"I got the eye of a tiger, a fighter

Dancing through the fire

'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion

'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear be roar!"

- Katy Perry.... or God 

Because the Lord is a champion. He defeated death and He overcame the grave. He is victorious over the enemy. And we are going to hear Him roar. While the winter may be quiet, oh the Lord is going to come out roaring. 

Winter doesn't have a hold on us. It is going to end. Summer is coming. The grass is green underneath the snow and the dead grass on top. The flowers are blooming in the greenhouse and soon they will be ready to come out and play.

playing in springtime snow. sun is shining.

spring time has arrived in buena vista. 

And I have an inkling that the Lord is going to come roaring this summer. He is preparing a new chapter: a chapter where His hand is working in mighty ways and where He is working all things for our good. 

"Come and see the turning of the tide,

Come and see the sons and daughters rise.

For how could he who did not spare his own son

Not freely give us victory

Against the darkest of nights"

-Will Reagan and the United Pursuit 

We Do Hard Things

"I did not sign up for this." Those are some of my favorite words to tell God when things get just too hard and I am about ready to give up. I am not always quite sure why I feel the need to tell Him that because it is not that God asked if I signed up for it and not that God is going to just take the hard situation away because I told him that, but I often say it anyways.

But the truth is that in some ways I did sign up for a lot of it when I chose to follow Jesus. Because sometimes, following Jesus means doing hard things.

I have been hit in the face the past few weeks that some life is not always easy and it is not always full of rainbows, butterflies, and chocolate croissants. Those really sweet, to-be savored, and sipped in slowly moments are there and are in abundance but so are the hard things.

"For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." -Matthew 7:14 (ESV)

In talking to my dear friend Jen the other day she said something quite simple and at the same time quite profound: "I live with the expectation that everyday should be Easter, and it simply is not. Because before Easter, was the cross."

Easter is awesome. It's the time we celebrate the resurrection of Christ, the beauty of redemption, and the defeat of death. Our God is alive and lives in us. Holy smokes, that is wonderful, freeing, and hope-giving!!! In Easter there is rejoicing and celebration and new life. PRAISE.

And I want to live in the resurrection of Christ. I want to live knowing the power of a God who is greater than death and who is greater than the enemy.

But to live in the resurrection, means to die with Christ. And welp, that ain't easy. There is no resurrection if Jesus did not go to the cross, where He was chastised, spat on, and beat down. There is no resurrection if there are no hard things.

So we do hard things. 

We learn new things that take patience and effort. We have brutally honest conversations. We cry in the arms of our best friends. We take cold showers because that just happens living with a lot of people. We move across the country for a year, only to think we might stay. We miss our besties that live plane rides and hours away. We shovel snow in April. We learn to wash the feet of sinners in a tight-knit community. We have our expectations unmet. We apologize when we mess up. We practice confrontation and vulnerability in relationships. We face the unknowns of the future. We close doors and open others. We build things from the ground up. We graduate and do the things (shout out to baby ayers for doing things).

But all the while we hope in the resurrecting power of Christ and in the redemptive power of His love. We trust that Jesus is not finished with us. He is bringing beauty out of ashes.

And on that day we meet Jesus in Heaven, we'll get to thank Him for writing us such a beautiful story of redemption that taught us to trust Him and to hope in more than just the day's circumstances.

For When Loving is Hard

God is Love.

Love is patient...

... even in my most ugliest of moments ... as I try to do things by myself ... as He calls my name to draw me to Himself ... even when I do not acknowledge Him 

Love is kind...

... speaking sweetly in those tender soul needing moments ... as He looks at me and sees the righteousness of Christ ... reminding me of my worthiness that is in the Lord

Love does not envy...

... even as His heart desires our attention ... even while experiencing a godly jealousy 

Love does not boast...

... when looking at those He loves ... as He reminds the woman at the well that He has written her a better story ... as He carries all our shame on the cross

Love is not self-seeking...

... as a sinless man He died a sinner's death for our salvation ... 

Love is not easily angered...

... despite all of my mistakes and mishaps ... as He loves us with a deep, unfailing, and compassionate love ... even when I do not do what He has called me to

Love keeps no record of wrongs...

... for He remembers my sins no more ... as He washes us white as snow 

Love does not delight in evil...

... as He cries out over the brokenness in this world ... as He is grieved by evil

Love rejoices with the truth...

... for the truth sets us free and it is for freedom that Christ has set us free ... as the Lord delights over with singing ... as dinner parties are thrown when the prodigal son returns home

Love always protects...

... as He gives us ways to stand up under the temptations of the enemy ... keeping me safe even when I don't feel safe ... 

Love always trusts...

... extending us a truth to believe in ... dying on the cross for people He loves even before they were knit in their mother's womb 

Love always hopes...

... believing better stories for us ...

Love always perseveres... 

... through our dirtiness and mess ... as my heart wanders all around

Love never fails...

JESUS NEVER FAILS.

And we too are called to love with this kind of love... with Jesus love... as Christ has loved us. 

I am called to be...

... patient ... 
... even when it hurts ... despite the annoying comments and sassy remarks ... amidst the miscommunication and the differences ... with those who do not deserve my patience ... in receiving grace and giving grace ... as doors slam

... kind ...
... using words that are uplifting and beneficial to the soul ... giving away more of myself than I receive ... not turning a friend in need away ... even when I have had my feelings hurt and all I want to do is scream ... in caring when I do not feel like caring ... in surprise coffees and chocolate croissants

... not envious ...
... of those who still get to live in chapel hill and see all our besties on a regular occasion ... of those in a different life stage ... of those who don't have to shovel snow still in april ...  when all I want is for things to be different

... not boastful ...
... in my accomplishments ... in my relationships ... reminding others that I can do nothing without Christ- absolutely nothing

... not self-seeking ...
... even when I want things to work out for me ... when I drive the extra distance to see a friend ... despite the desire for gratification from relationships ... even when my "plan" seems the most logical

... not easily angered ... 
... even when I am frustrated ... even when things change and do not happen like I thought they would ... even when I am hurt by someone's actions ... even when promises are broken ... even when everything in me says I should scream and storm out

... keeping no record of wrongs ... 

... believing that Christ has died for that person's sins ... even when arguments seem stronger with lists of previous offenses ... trusting that Jesus is my safety, not my own guard and memory ... even when it does not seem fair

... not delighting in evil ... 
... trusting that all blessings and goodness flows from the Heavenly Father above ... even towards those people I would rather not love

... rejoicing with the truth ...
... speaking the Lord's truth with grace in every moment ... in dinner parties that speak to community and life over the table ... even when the truth is scary and means there is vulnerability

... always protecting ... 
... honoring others with the words that I use ... praying for those in need and in trouble ... asking the Lord's provision over others lives ... in moments of confusion and anxiety

... always trusting ... 
... even when my gut says I would rather not ... that Jesus is working in the other person's life ... that beauty comes from ashes ... believing more is possible even when there is room to doubt

... always hoping ...
... believing a better story for another ... believing that the Lord has not let go of them ... believing that they will turn around even when hope feels lost ... believing that Jesus has more love than I could ever possibly have ... even when hoping hurts and the situation feels hopeless

... always persevering ...
... even when I want to give up ... even when loving means crying tears ... even when loving doesn't feel good anymore ... even when the other person has their back turned

I cannot do or be anything of these things perfectly. Some days I cannot even attempt to do some of these things half-way well. And then some other days I am full out terrible at loving like Jesus. 

With Jesus there is grace though. He looks down at my battered heart wanting to love well, but struggling, and says His grace is sufficient. While I may be weak, He is incredibly strong inside of me. He gives me the ability to love when loving just does not seem possible. He gives me the ability to love when I do not want to love. He gives me the ability to love when the other person does not want to be loved. He gives me the ability to love when all hope feels lost.

Love like this has power to move mountains and turn tables, because the Lord's love never ever fails. 

Jesus, may love fill our hearts even on our very worst of days.

Our Stories After College

316 days ago we all graduated from the most wonderful university and moved out of the house that was home for two years. Those 316 days happened fast, real fast. And then all eight of us were back together again. At the beach. For an entire weekend.

<enter prayer> Praise the Great Lion of Judah for best friend beach reunions. 

When we all come back together, we no longer come with the same stories. We come with different stories. Ones that the Lord has so perfectly written for each of us as individuals. My past 316 days look different than Sydney's past 316 days and her days look different than Elaine's. 

For the four years that we attended college together our days all looked similar and were deeply intertwined. We processed each moment together as they happened. But now our days are all different and we don't process together as we used to.

Now we are all long-distance friends. And long-distance friendships look different than the days of college when late nights together were the norm and a weekend apart seemed like eternity. 

Now we have eight different lives that intertwine in beautiful ways, but not quite as close as the vines of the McMansion. We are phone calls, letters, road trips, and plane rides away from one another. 

And when we all come back together again, we are hit with the reality: we do not understand one another anymore. 

We do not understand each other's days because they are all different. By the grace of God, we can try to understand; we can ask questions, listen, and share endless stories. But ultimately we're no longer all students, living in the McMansion, leading Young Life, and playing around in Chapel Hill. 

That's the thing that comes with long-distance friendships after college... you stop having the natural understanding of one another's lives. No one knows what it is like to be an intern at Crooked Creek Ranch in the Rocky Mountains and to have their world completely rocked by the Fraser Valley. They do not know, because that isn't part of their story. Their stories are their own. 

I do not know what it is like to be a seminary student ... or to have a full-time job in internet marketing research... or to be a graduate student ... or to live in Charleston ... or to stay in Chapel Hill after college ... or to be an intern at Trail West ... or to apply to school again to be a guidance counselor ... or to join a small group through the Summit church ... or to plan a wedding... or to work from a cubicle. I do not know because it is not my story. 

When you realize that your best friends, who once knew every single thing about you and your days, does not really understand anymore it is hard... really hard. Because, ultimately, we all desire to be understood and to be known. 

But then... Jesus. Jesus who knows each of us intimately. Jesus who is deep inside each of us. Jesus who gives us grace unending. Jesus who grants us understanding that goes beyond our human comprehension. Jesus who drew us all together our freshman year of college. Jesus who is the Author of the most beautiful stories. Jesus who is Grace.

He is the grace we give to others when they do not understand. He is the grace we show ourselves when we do not understand. He is the grace that is breathed through each conversation. He is the grace that allows us to forgive. He is all the grace we need. 

A Favor I Have to Ask

My heart is heavy writing this post. I come to you with an open and broken heart, asking for a favor. I am asking you to pray... to pray for the valley and to pray against the darkness. 

I have fallen absolutely in love with the valley I live in. It makes absolutely no sense why. We have had over 300 inches of snow this winter (all of which has had to be shoveled on camp), the nearest Target is an hour and a half away, and as the snow melts it creates mud (a lot of mud that absolutely covers your car). But I love this place. I love the way the snow looks like glitter some days, the community of people who love Jesus a ton, the high school of 350 students, and the possibility of an adventure every single day. 

While the valley is beautiful and one of my favorite places it is full of brokenness. It is a dark, dark place that is in desperate need for the Light. Amidst all the darkness and brokenness though, my heart aches and longs for something different. It aches for the people who live here to know Jesus and it aches for there to be redemption.

I weep over the darkness. And most days I am sure I have cried all my tears. 

I weep over the locals I meet who have never heard the name of Jesus before. I weep over the man working at my favorite coffee shop who is either high or drunk every time I am in there. I weep over a dear friend wandering from the Lord. I weep over the sins of the people. I weep over the goodbyes that I never wanted to happen. I weep over the sudden death of a high school girl's father. I weep over the people who think that drugs and alcohol can satisfy their deepest longings. I weep over the people working odd jobs that feel they have no purpose. I weep over the lies that high school girls believe that tell them they aren't enough. 

But in my weeping, I do my best to pray. I am on my knees asking Jesus to overwhelm the valley with His love. I am trying to believe the Lord for more here. I want to believe Him for change, for redemption, for hope. 

So today, I ask you to pray with me. Please pray for this valley. Pray for the people who live in Granby, Fraser, and Winter Park. Pray for the man in the coffee shop. Pray for Middle Park High School and for Grand County Young Life. Pray for my dear friend to turn back to the Lord. Pray for people to trust in something more. Pray for the Light.

"So we fasted and petitioned our God about this, and he answered our prayer." -Ezra 8:23

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you." -John 15:7

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." -James 5:16

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us-- whatever we ask --we know that we have what we asked of him." -1 John 5:14-15 

I know the Lord loves Fraser Valley. I absolutely convinced of it. I earnestly pray that His Light chases out all the darkness. 

Come, Lord Jesus, come. 

And as my heart breaks for this valley in Colorado, I am sure your heart breaks for something too... whether it's a place, a person, or an injustice. And I want to pray with you, too, for those things. I want to approach the throne of the Lord, believing Him for healing in the brokenness that breaks your heart. 

So please, share those things. I would love to pray for you and with you. Comment on here or send me an e-mail (jordan.abourjilie@gmail.com) with any and all prayer requests. I am utterly convinced that Jesus wants us to do this together. 

As I ask you to pray with me, how can I pray with you?

I Am Done With Surviving

Welp, it's official. The most time has passed since I last wrote on here. I have been waiting to write. Waiting on change. The change that just is not coming quite yet in this season.

I have spent the last year and a half dreading change. I did not think "transition" was really my forte and did not think that change was going to do me too well. But change happened and it was good. It was bittersweet in the way that it reminded me that a piece of my heart will always be in Chapel Hill, but that too I am held in love in the mountains of Colorado.

But now I want change.

I want change because I look around and my heart breaks and mind goes all over the place. Many circumstances surrounding my life are what I would phrase as "less than ideal." There are friends hurting, misunderstandings abound, too many things to be done with too little time, and the spinning plates of life seem to be teetering on the edge of shattering.

And as my eyes are more aware of the hurt and pain, I desire change and I attempt to survive. I have run from one place to the next, I have cried tears for situations I never expected, I have cut my hair drastically because that's change I can control, and I have found myself bulldozing through many bumps in the road. I have been surviving.

Truth be told: Survival works. It can be done. It has been done.

But we are not meant to just survive, we are meant to flourish.

I am not meant to merely get by in this season of desiring change, but I am meant to flourish in this season even while it's difficult.

So I am done with just surviving. I am done with the catching my breath only to have it be taken away again as I run to something else. I am done with half-hearted prayers to get me through a few moments. I am done with conversations that run you in circles with no hope of the redeeming powers of our Lord Jesus Christ. I am done with wanting change and not really believing it will ever come.

I am choosing to flourish and to delight myself in the Lord.

I am choosing to paint my nails with sparkly nail polish. I am choosing to sip coffee a little more slowly in the morning. I am choosing to say "no" to some things and "yes" to others. I am choosing to fly to Texas to escape the snow for just a weekend and to explore a new city. I am choosing to relish in sunflowers that are proof that seasons to do change. I am choosing to pick up the phone when familiar names come across the screen. I am choosing to linger in coffee shops. I am choosing to believe the Lord for deliverance and redemption. I am choosing to bake with children. I am choosing to read more books for enjoyment. I am choosing to look through old journals and see the ways the Lord has moved thus far. I am choosing to have hope in something more than just the day.

Let's flourish, y'all.

"But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; 

I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever." {Psalm 52:8}

twenty thirteen.

Holy smokes. 2013, you have come and you have gone. I never really let you in that much, considering there were countless occasions that I wrote 2012 or 2014 in my journal this year. Whoops, sorry about that. It may have been that whole "you were one of the craziest years of my life" yet. Or maybe it was that so much changed this year, not even the year felt constant.

Because that was 2013 for ya: the year of change and the year of grace.

So much happened.

I finished my senior year of college. And welp, my career as a student as well. I pulled it together to make it through one last semester. Writing papers, studying, and learning all that my little brain could take in.

I relished in the nature of my "future self being jealous of now self" while still in college where the responsibilities and expenses were limited.

I saw some of the most wonderful Young Life teammates placed at East and I fell in love with the baby teammies. They gave me energy to lead our team and they provided some much needed laughter.

I became accustomed to making pancakes 500 at a time and welcoming 100 people into my home, because isn't that the best way to eat pancakes... in mass quantities & with best friends.

I got my heart broken in that weird kind of way where it hurts longer than you thought it ever could and it shows you that you have more tears than you thought. But then too, I learned that time really does make things better and at some point the broken heart did not feel so broken anymore.

I stayed up too late on the third floor of the McMansion and I delighted in the wee hours of the evening that roommates sat on the couch in my room and we talked about life.

I graduated from the university that stole my heart as a little girl. I wore that Carolina blue cap and gown, sat in a stadium I loved, sang the alma mater (#gotohellduke), and turned that tassel.

I watched my Young Life girls take the SAT and prepare for their senior year of high school and I saw just how much they had grown and how much the Lord had done in their lives.

I traveled to Chicago to go to the Art Institute because sometimes peace and hope is found in hours walking around an art museum.

I spent weeks in exhaustion. Like mental, physical, and spiritual exhaustion. And I learned that being a Christian is hard. Really hard. When Jesus said "pick up your cross and follow me," He really did mean it. Somedays I prayed that He would ask me to pick flowers, instead, and follow Him because I thought I would be better at that, but turns out that on the other side of exhaustion there is grace upon grace upon grace.

I fell in love with writing for my blog and it became a space to breathe and space that gave me life, so I wrote a lot. But then one day, it got harder and it felt more like work so I had to take a little more of a break than I would have wanted.

I found joy in tables that were delicately decorated, covered with delicious food, and surrounded with people I love. Through the year the people have changed... from McMansion, to Bible study ladies, to family, to nine other interns, and to a Colorado family.

I spent a month of the summer in the mitten on a Young Life rental property. The days were full, but God did a mighty work in my heart that month as bitterness began to melt away and as hope was being found in the cross.

I lived at home for two months in the summer and I learned to drink less than mediocre coffee and how to fight for my relationship with Jesus.

I screamed at my brother more than I wish to admit, but then I too had to see that sometimes giving grace can be harder than you would ever wish or expect.

I hopped on a plane with a week's notice to go to Minnesota for a week to work at Castaway Club. I spent nights beside a beautiful lake tearing down lies that were painted in my inner dwelling and I prayed for Truth to replace those lies.

I struggled to be a good long-distance best friend. Best friendships can be hard and sometimes they take a lot of work and somedays I fell short, but my best friend gave me grace each and every time.

I prayed and prayed for things to stop changing. I prayed that I could stay in the McMansion forever and that I would never have to move to Colorado. And then I read things like this: "Jesus says, Follow me. I'm going to take you to places that will make you say 'Why in the world are you taking me there?' Even then, I WANT YOU TO TRUST ME" (Tim Keller). Welp, okay, Colorado, I'm comin' for ya.

I went to the Taylor Swift concert, bashed boys, and dressed like a hipster because sometimes that is just good for the soul.

I finally decided to pack at some point at the end of August and I put all of my belongings in sweet Fonda and drove across the county. At some points I am sure that I would have turned around if it had not been for Anna following me all the way to Denver.

I met the nine strangers (well really only seven were complete strangers) who would become my housemates for the next year. And I was thankful because I was sure my heart did not have room for any more people, but somehow it expanded and the ten of us became a family.

I was terrified of Colorado, but in the Lord's most perfect provision, He has held me safe and He has covered me with His grace in an entirely new place.

I started leading Young Life again, but this time in a valley in Colorado; and I really never thought that I would enjoy it again, but I have been surprised ten-fold and I have fallen in love with a school with only 350 students in the middle of nowhere Colorado. Who. Would. Have. Thought?

I had my love for Young Life camping reaffirmed in all the best ways as I live and work my days at Crooked Creek Ranch.

I have had my fair share of difficult conversations this year. Those conversations that I try so desperately to avoid, but then somehow they just happen. And they have made me thankful for relationships that show me how to ask for forgiveness and how to give grace.

I picked up a new sense of fashion filled with large sweaters, fleece-lined leggings, large a** boots, down vests, chunky scarves, and wool socks. And people in Grand County are still shocked we live there... but turns out we are just a small part of what is "Fashion Forward Fraser".

I learned to ski (and am still learning) in one of the most beautiful places. My first day I ran into a tree and a Frenchman. It's really only gone up from there, but how it could it really have gone down?

I fell in love with a small mountain town just west of Denver called Fraser. I delight in it's valley, the county it is in, and all of the people that are here. I never thought I could love a small town like this, but I guess 2013 was full of falling in love with things I never thought I would.

I returned home to North Carolina for the holidays, in need of rest and room to breathe. I delighted in all that home has to offer, but too I realized that I have a whole new life in Colorado. A life that includes people I love, acquaintances I am excited to get to know, places that I like to get breakfast, a ministry I am ecstatic about, and a church I love to be a part of. A whole new life. Who knew?

I stumbled and still am stumbling through this whole post-grad life thing. But it is happening and it tough some days and other days it is really good. Here is to the ups and to the downs.

Whoa, 2013. You were good and you were hard. But you showed me the meaning of grace. You showed me that grace is never deserved; it is always undeserved, and that is why it is called grace. And you showed me that I need grace every single day. Grace to accept to change, grace to see beyond the situation, grace to forgive others, grace to forgive myself, grace to love those around me, and grace to open my eyes.

Thank You, Jesus, for never withholding grace from me this year. And may Your grace go before me in  all that is 2014. Amen.

Choosing Light

It is no secret: I love twinkle lights. Like am kind of obsessed. I really am particularly in love with white lights. They're classy and pure and full of hope. They make joy bubble up in all the best ways.

all about the christmas lights.

Light, in so many ways, does bring hope and joy. It is the ultimate source of life.

The Light came down with the birth of Immanuel, "God with us." Light shone forth in the incarnation. With just a glimpse of the star the Magi were overjoyed. They had not yet seen the full, true Light, yet they were already overcome with joy because the Light is the source of all true joy. What a marvelous light.

The light is not always the first choice though, or even the easiest choice. There is darkness too. The darkness that breaths lies and fears. The darkness that whispers on the good days and shouts on the bad days: "you are not good enough ... you cannot trust anyone ... you will always be alone ... you are a failure ... you are not really loved ... you are defined by your mistakes."

That darkness is very real. It consumes some days and creeps in on others. It attempts to push out the Light.

But that night in Bethlehem, Light came to the earth as an infant. He came in a manger, full of grace and hope and peace. Light grew to live a life that knew no sin and lived in no darkness. He said: "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life" (John 8:12).

The Light changed everything. The Light brought hope and joy, unending. The Light washed away the stain of sin and the Light trampled over darkness.

"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin" (1 John 1:7). 

In all things and in all moments, we must cling to the Light and run to the Light. Darkness calls out in our fears and in the lies that run through our head. Darkness wants a hold over our lives and it wants us to believe that the Light is not strong enough to overcome it. But the darkness lies; we must choose to cling and run to the Light, the source of Truth.

This Christmas season I am choosing Light. I am choosing to believe in the presence and the promises of Christ. I am choosing to believe that the Light chases out darkness and the Light is the lover of my soul. I am choosing to believe that the Light brings healing. I am choosing to believe that the Light is already victorious over darkness.

Some days are a full on battle for the Light, but I am choosing the Light.