Once Learned, Now (Re)Learning

I am learning a ton... well actually, (re)learning a ton and remembering all the things the Lord has already done.

Yesterday I tore open the pages of my journal from this past summer at Timber Wolf.  I was hit by a flood of thoughts... so many memories from the summer storming back in... so much love for that camp... so many hilarious stories... so much rawness... so many things that I thought I had learned,

but I seem to have forgotten. 

I learned so much this summer.  The Lord was challenging me, growing me, and stretching me in so many different ways.  But today, those "lessons" from the summer are "lessons" once again.  What I had considered learned, now seems like a distant memory... and I am in major need of (re)learning.

It seems to me that one of the biggest ways that Satan can attack us is through forgetting... forgetting what the Lord has done in us already.  He hides all of the beautiful and righteous things that the Lord has done from our memory, so that it makes it difficult to recall the Lord's faithfulness.

Now while forgetting may be one of Satan's ploys, the Lord is already victorious for He has defeated death.

As Satan makes us forget what the Lord has done, the Lord can use that as an opportunity to reteach us, to extend us grace, to love us, and to call us back to Himself... what a beautiful and gracious God we have.

So I now find myself in a season of (re)learning.  I say (re)learning because the situations and contexts are different, but the lessons are the same.

And to be honest, I feel a little lost and a lot confused... but my words are the same as Jehoshaphat's when he was about to face a vast army that he was unprepared for:

"(I) do not know what to do, but (my) eyes are upon You." -2 Chronicles 20:12

And I will cling to Him.  I will cling to my God.  He says, "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land.  I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you" (Genesis 28:15).  He is calling me back... calling me back to the lessons I thought I had learned... and He will not leave me.  

I trust Him, because "thus far, the Lord has helped" (1 Samuel 7:12).  He has been faithful before, and He will be faithful again.

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord, Yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago." -Psalm 77:11

Today I am thankful for my journal.  I am thankful for all of the words I wrote to the Lord this summer and all the truths He declared in my writing.  I encourage you to journal or to write down what the Lord is doing in your life and what He is teaching you so that one day you can go back and read it... so that you can remember all that the Lord has done and so that Satan's grip on our forgetfulness is loosened.

The Gospel.

Last weekend I had the privilege of going to the Transform Women's Conference at The Summit Church in RDU.  To be honest, I was a little skeptical because I didn't know what all a women's conference could entail, but per usual, the Lord knew best and blessed me in such a delightful way.

Elyse Fitzpatrick was the guest speaker and she was phenomenal.  She was sassy, funny, a great speaker... but most of all, very passionate about Jesus.  It was obvious in each word that she spoke.

The entire conference was on God's love for us and how His love can transform our hearts and our lives.  It was truly an insightful and blessed time.

In Elyse's first talk she presented the Gospel... and it was real... and it was good... and it was powerful... and it hit me like a wave crashing into the ocean.

As a Christian involved in ministry, presenting the gospel becomes a "normal" thing to do.  It is what we do at Young Life every week.  I hear the gospel often and I thank the Lord for all that He has done, but then I move on to the next thing... not because I don't value Jesus or the cross, but because I don't always let the truth of the gospel sit and stir in my heart.

But this time, it was different.

I was mesmerized by Jesus and His love for us and His death on the cross and then his resurrection.  I was awe struck by the gospel.  I was captivated. 

Elyse presented the Gospel in five different pieces.  I want to share them because I think they are beautiful and they are raw and they are real and they are mysterious and they have the power to transform.

1. The Incarnation: God became flesh.  He became a human... a human that experienced all parts of human life.  He was birthed in a stable and was kept in a manger.  He experienced ALL that we are experiencing now... the frustrations, the joys, the hurts, the pains, the disgusts, the excitements, the stresses... He knew those.  Jesus was fully human, yet fully God... what a marvelous mystery.
2. The Sinless Life: Jesus lived a truly sinless life from birth to death.  He lived a righteous life the entire time... the righteous life that we can never live.  He fulfilled the law in our place. 
3. The Substitutionary Death: Jesus died for us... in our place.  He died a perfect death for us... and in that moment the Lord turned away from His perfect Son on the cross and He poured out ALL of His wrath on ALL of our sin.  And Jesus cried out, "It is finished."  This was done so that we may gain the righteousness of Christ. 
4. The Bodily Resurrection: God in Heaven turned around three days later and exclaimed, "AMEN," over "It is finished" when He raised Jesus from the dead.  Death had been defeated and Jesus rose victoriously out of the grave. 
5. The Ascension and Continuing Intercession and Reign of the Son of God: Jesus now sits at the right hand of the Father.  His Spirit is in us and He is Sovereign.  The Lord reigns over us.

Heavenly Father, thank You for this good news.  Thank You for sending Your Son to this earth to walk as a man and to live the perfect life.  Jesus, thank You for dying on the cross for me, even before I knew You.  You are VICTORIOUS and You are TRIUMPHANT!!!  Lord, thank You that we do not have to try to be perfect because we cannot be... but thank You that Your Son was perfect.  Thank You for the opportunity to hear the gospel presented another time and I pray that each time I hear the gospel that it awakens my soul and that it transforms my heart because it is real and mysterious and beautiful.  My prayer is that each person that hears the gospel has their heart radically transformed as well... whether it is for the first time or for the hundredth time.  Jesus, I love You.  Amen.  

October: Blessings & Exhaustion

My calendar says that today is November 6. Excuse me, what happened to October? I remember the first of October like it was just yesterday... I was so excited for the month that would usher in autumn. But now I'm in November. October was a very full month... Very full. 

The Lord's blessings were bountiful in October. I was constantly amazed at all that I had the opportunity to do and all of that I got to experience. 

Pumpking carving, leading 20 wonderful high schoolers at Rockbridge, the North Carolina State Fair, Fall Break trip adventuring through Colorado, release of the Taylor Swift CD, surprise visit from my best friend in the entire world from Indiana, and celebrating the madness of Halloween in Chapel Hill... Those were just the big things. There were so many other things in between, that truly filled up the month of October and were blessings from the Lord.

Carving pumpkins!

East Young Life ladies at Rockbridge!

Baby Ayers & Macon: My co-leaders, my biggest encouragers, and 2 of my best friends.

I. LOVE. THE. FAIR. AND. SYDNEY. JONES.

Book flights to Denver with no plans? Sure, we'll do that.

Our hike in Breckenridge reminded me that God's creation is a love letter, like no other.

Flat Irons in Boulder, CO... We seriously, went all over that state in just 4 days!

 

And this girl: the BEST surprise I've ever had and the one who challenges me and loves me like no other!

McMansion does Santa and the his reindeer for Halloween 2012.

Seriously, I cannot thank God enough for each of those things. 

Little Side Note: Before Amanda (bestie from Indiana) came to visit, I was remarking to Sydney how blessed I had felt recently in all of the busyness, but that I still was really sad and missed Amanda a lot. It may have been my lack of sleep and lack of a desire to study, but I crawled into Syd's room Wednesday in near tears because I just missed her.... And in Sydney's most loving way she told me to stop complaining and to go study. Well I came home Thursday afternoon from class to the best surprise in the entire world... Amanda. Real. Live. Amanda. At my house. It was the best surprise I have ever received. Sydney videoed the entire thing.

But somehow, amidst all of those blessings, I got a little side tracked. I was going from one thing to the next. Trying so hard to savor every moment, but knowing that something else was coming next. 

Now that I am in November I am realizing... 

It happened all so fast and my heart is worn out. My body is exhausted. Sleep has become an option. Spending time with Jesus has become rushed in the morning as I attempt to plan out everything I have to do for the day. Relaxing is a foreign concept. Doing school work is that hurried, stressed hour where I remember I am, in fact, a student. Talking about plans for next year fills any and all voids of normal conversation. And that's just not working.

So now that October has ended, I can say I loved every single thing that I did during this past month. I truly did. And I truly feel so blessed by the Lord... but I am tired and a little off track. This past month, my focus on the Lord has shifted just so slightly as I have been focusing more on the His blessings than I have just solely on Him. That was never my intention... it just happened. I got swept up in the chaos of fun adventures, midterms, Young Life, and just life. 

And when that happens, when the Lord is not my sole and only focus, the exhaustion kicks in and a staleness sets in my heart. I begin to believe the lies that Jesus is mad at me and that He is going to stop loving me because I am not doing a "good job."

That is NOT the truth though. It is not. In fighting that lies, I am clinging to Philippians 3:10. Amanda (my mentor) shared the Amplified Version of this verse Friday at Leadership. It really spoke to me and as I broke it down I learned a lot... about God, His determined purpose, and He began to heal my heart that was a little off kilter.

"For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly, and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection which it exerts over believers, and that I may so share His suffering as to be continually transformed in spirit into His likeness ever to His death" -Philippians 3:10 (Amplified Version)

"For my determined purpose"

My faith is my own. It is just me and Jesus. That's a beautiful thing to me because it allows for a deep intimacy with our Heavenly Father. But it also means taking ownership for my relationship with Christ and for my purpose. And the fact that it is a determined purpose, implies that it is active and is not passive. So in that, it means admitting that I have rushed my dates with Jesus in the morning because I was groggy and slow in getting ready and I needed to run out the door to be somewhere. It means realizing that I am Christ's bride and that I have a role in this relationship. But ultimately, I am Christ's and He has already paid the price for my sin, so I admit I have faltered, but by no means, does Jesus not love me anymore because of that.

"I may know Him"

My determined purpose is to know Him... just Him. I get to have a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Creator. He knows me so well because He made me and I get to know Him more and more as I spend time with Him... Wow, I am so incredibly thankful for that!

"progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted"

This knowing of the Lord does not happen instantly. It is a process and it requires progress over time. It is continually changing and growing. It is not constant. This is one of the most freeing things to me because my relationship with Jesus does not have to be the same as it was in October. It can progress from my rushed mornings to long coffee dates once again. It can go back to the mornings where I get lost in His Word and am so mesmerized by His being that I never want to put my Bible and journal down and Sydney has to drag me out the door for class.

Even though I have not been as dedicated and consistent in pursuing Jesus these past few weeks, He is not finished with me and He is continuing to make me new. I can confident in the fact that "He who began a good work in [me] will bring it to completion" (Philippians 1:6).

"perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person"

God is dynamic and He is full of wonders. As I get to know Him more, I get to see more and more of these wonders. There is no doubt, while I was in Colorado, I was overwhelmed by the wonders of God's magnificent creations. The scenery in that place spoke to our Creator's being and His goodness and power. I can't wait for that to continue.

"to know the power outflowing from His resurrection"

Christ defeated death in His resurrection. He overcame hell. If that isn't power, then I don't know what is. Through His defeat of death, He has brought us life, and life to the full (John 10:10). I want to know that power more. Life to the full means freedom in Christ... true freedom in Christ. We are not bound by the lies of Satan any longer. I am not bound by any of the lies that say I need to do all of these things to make Jesus love me... all that I need to do is be, be with Him and to know Him more. 

"may so share His sufferings" 

Christ was crucified on a cross. He knows suffering. If we are trying to become more Christ-like we will encounter sufferings as well. But Christ knows them, He knows each and every one of our sufferings. It's hard to admit that I've wandered a little off the track through my hurriedness. It hurts my heart a lot, but it hurts Jesus' even more.

"as to be continually transformed in spirit, into His likeness even"

I AM BEING CONTINUALLY TRANSFORMED. I am not who I was. I am being made new by Christ, through His power. So maybe October left me exhausted and worn out and a little lost, but that doesn't have to characterize November. Christ is transforming my heart. The busyness is not going to go away... Honestly, I don't want it to because I love adventuring, spending time with friends, exploring, leading Young Life, and everything else. But my heart is just going to look a little different as that continues. The Lord is sculpting and transforming my heart, so that my time with Him can be rich and lovely and not rushed.

So October, it was a great month... it was. The Lord truly blessed me in so many ways and I got to experience Him in so many places.

But now, it's time to re-center. It's time to refocus. My determined purpose is to know my Heavenly Father more than I already do... to dwell in that intimate relationship. Jesus says, "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love." (John 15:9).

So that's what I am going to do... Simply abide in His love once again. And hopefully that will include some fun adventuring, spontaneous road trips, Thanksgiving feasting, McMansion madness, the start of Carolina basketball, but if it doesn't... that will be okay, because...

the Lord is the Author of my soul and my one true need.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank You for all of the blessings in October. Thank You for showering me with adventure and for meeting my every need. Thank You that You bless us so that we may bless others. Jesus, I am sorry that in the craziness of October that my time with You got rushed and that I was swept away by the blessings more than I was swept away by just Your love. I thank You that You are not finished with me and that You are continually making me new. Thank You that You are transforming me into Your likeness. Jesus, I pray that I can treasure my time with You more and that I can begin again to dwell solely in Your love and that I can get lost in who You are and in Your Word. I love you, Jesus.

Amen.

A Prayer for Wisdom and Peace When Making Big Decisions

I read this just the other day on the Gospel Coalition. It's from an absolutely fabulous blog on there by Scotty Smith. Just had to share. 

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all. (James 1:5)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. (Prov. 3:5-6)

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts. (Col. 3:15)

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. (1 Cor. 10:31)

For this is the will of God, your sanctification. (1 Thess. 4:3)

     Dear heavenly Father, you number our hairs and determine our days; you hang the stars and feed the sparrows; you open doors no one can shut and shut doors no one can open. Surely, we can trust you when the time comes for making big decisions, or for that matter, any decisions. I’m in just such a season again, Father, and I know I’m not alone. We will trust you for generous wisdom, straight paths and peaceful hearts, all for your glory.

     How we praise you for being the decision-making-God. It’s not our decisions, but yours that make all the difference. We will plan, but we trust you to order our steps. We will pray, but ask you to fix our prayers en route to heaven. We will seek counsel, but count on you to overrule faulty or incomplete input from our most trusted friends and mentors. We will search the Scriptures, but not looking for proof texts but for you, Father. All we want and need is you.

     Free us from the paralysis of analysis—wanting make the right decision, more than we want to be righteous people; wanting to be known as wise people, more than we want to know you. Free us from the idolatry of assuming there’s only one “perfect” choice in any given situation. Free us from making decisions primary for our comfort and other’s approval, or fear their disapproval. Free us to know that good choices don’t always lead to the easiest outcomes, especially at first. Free us from second and twenty-second guessing our decisions.

     Father, no matter if it’s wisdom about buying or selling, vocation or vacation, this place or that place, this person or that person, we know that in ALL things, your will is our sanctification—our becoming more and more like Jesus. Give us this passion; make it our delight.

     So, Father, make us more and more like Jesus, even as we trust you for the opening and closing of doors that are in front of us. All for your glory—in our eating and drinking; and in our whatever’s, whenever’s and wherever’s. So very Amen we pray, in the name of our reigning King, Jesus.

Break My Heart

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." - Matthew 25:40

A heart of compassion... I am praying that the Lord will cultivate a heart of compassion within me that will consume my entire being.

I am staring the future dead in the face and I have no clue what it holds. Better yet, the talk of "next year" is hitting me like a brick wall and I feel nothing. So no, I still do not know what I will be doing, but my prayer is that the Lord will break my heart for what breaks His, and out of that broken heart I will know where the Lord wants me next year.

This summer in Michigan I began to truly understand how much the Lord loves me and is jealous for me. It was a beautiful lesson to learn as I was overwhelmed by the Lord's love for me. I was romanced by God in the littlest of places... a perfect cup of coffee to start off the day, a sweet letter in the mail, fireworks, laying in the back of the Tundra, or time spent with my best friend. And through all of those things I fell more and more in love with Jesus.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; YOU ARE MINE." -Isaiah 43:1

"Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life." - Isaiah 43:4 

"I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me." - Song of Solomon 7:10

"'Return, faithless people,' declares the Lord, 'for I am your husband.'" - Jeremiah 3:14

Realizing how much the Lord loved me changed everything. It changed how I viewed myself and how I viewed my relationship with the Lord. 

Now that I have become intoxicated by the Lord's love for me, I am beginning to see... He has that same love for every single person that surrounds me. And because of that, I am called to love them in the same way. 

I want my life to be consumed by loving others, selflessly, with everything that I have, because the Lord loved me first and because He continues to love me daily (through my selfish heart, twisted emotions, and daily ups and downs... thank you, Jesus). 

Just recently I was blessed to be able to go to Rockbridge, a Young Life camp, with 20 of my high school friends from East Chapel Hill. We went for a fall camp weekend and it was truly a magical weekend. Quite frankly, before we went I had a nonchalant attitude... it was just another weekend, at another Young Life camp, and just another thing I had to do. The Lord slapped me in the face very early on in that weekend with a love and an intense passion for the souls of those sweet high school girls in a very new and real way. I looked into their eyes and began to feel in my inner being just how much their Heavenly Father loved them. I saw all twenty of those girls in a new light and my heart broke for them with an intense passion. So many of them are lost in the ways of this world and they hear the voices that say they aren't pretty enough, or good enough, or smart enough, or athletic enough, or skinny enough, or fun enough. But that is NOT true. They are His. I earnestly pray that they will begin to see how much the Lord loves them and how much He wants to be in a relationship with them. He is jealous for them and He is jealous for their souls.

Since that weekend, I have been hit over the head with the need for greater generosity and greater compassion. 

The Lord is not just jealous for me, or for all the Young Life leaders, or for all my high school friends, He is jealous for every single soul on this earth. He loves them all with an intense passion and love and I am asked to respond out of His love for each one of them. 

In order to love others in the way that the Lord has called me, I must have my heart broken daily and I must completely abandon myself. My life is not really mine at all, it is the Lord's and it is my prayer that I can truly be His hands and feet and that He will rid my of myself. 

I will not be able to do this perfectly... in fact, I can't really do anything. It is only through the grace of my Father that I will be able to serve and love and give in this manner. 

"For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich." -2 Corinthians 8:9

"'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?'" -Mark 8:34-36

 "Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need." -Acts 2:45

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." -Ephesians 5:1-2

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves have been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." -1 John 4:7-8 

I want to see Jesus in every single face that I pass. I want to see His face in the least of these. And I want my heart to break for them... I want to be overwhelmed with love for them in such a way that I can't help but give my time, my money, and all of me to them, so that I can serve them. I am yearning for a heart of compassion and generosity that will actually do something. 

So Lord, please break my heart until it truly moves my hands and feet. 

I challenge you to do the same... LOVE, GIVE, and SERVE beyond your means because the Lord loves you.

Back to the Basics

The Lord has called me back... back to the basics. Back to a heart of pure gratitude. This morning I was overwhelmed with gratitude and in journaling I realized just how many things I have to truly be thankful for.

So I say to Jesus, 

Thank you for this beautiful day that You created. Thank you for the sun that radiates Your glory and the Carolina blue sky that warms my heart. Thank you for coffee and the opportunity to just spend time with You. Thank you for Your truth and Your Spirit that you have put in my heart. Thank you for my friends who push me towards You. Thank your for my heart that craves Your word and Your truth. Thank you for satisfying me with Your unfailing love. Thank you for always watching over me and for always calling me back to You. Thank you for the cross and for washing our sins away. Thank you for forgiving me daily. Thank you for grace and Your heart. Thank you for making me desire You alone. Thank for you high school girls that remind me how much we all desperately need You. Thank you for healing our broken hearts. Thank you for holding my hand and guiding me always. Thank you for Your love. Thank you for my heart that loves and feels for so many people around me. Thank you for wisdom. Thank you for the church and the people that serve in it. Thank you for all the reminders that you are bigger than me. Thank you for surprises and goodness.

Thank you for summoning me, redeeming me, and calling me Yours. 

A heart of gratitude will bring you back to the basics and it will draw you near to God. 

Fear and Darkness

When I was little I used to be scared of the dark. I would refuse to walk upstairs in my own house without my parents going up first to turn on the lights. And then when it was time to go to sleep, I would insist that one of my parents stay upstairs until I fell asleep. Cole, my younger brother, had this same fear. It's a crippling fear because it limits a person... if I wanted something upstairs at night and my parents didn't want to go upstairs with me to get it, then I was out of luck.

Last weekend I came to realize that this fear of the dark never really went away. Our house had quite a few friends over to play Body Body and I soon learned... I am still scared of the dark. Body Body is this fun game like mafia where everyone wanders around a dark house and there is one person who is the "killer." They kill people by grabbing their arms. When you are killed, you drop to the ground and are silent. If you stumble upon a dead body, you scream "BODY, BODY!" Then everyone deliberates who they think the killer is. It's really fun, but incredibly scary, especially in the McMansion. Let me tell you, when all the lights are off in the McMansion it is one creepy place. The third floor might as well seem like a dark abyss where the scariest of scary things occur. My fear of the dark, once again, limited me. I was scared to venture off into all parts of the house because it was simply too dark and I couldn't see what was coming and I couldn't trust that I wouldn't run into something quite unfriendly. Therefore, my fear was limiting  me. 

You see, fear is like that... it limits us.

Fear is not just limiting in simple games or when I was little, it limits us in our relationships with the Lord. My fears limit me in my relationship with my Heavenly Father who adores me more than anything in the world.

Fear causes me to not trust the Lord the way that He intends for me to and fear causes me to not see myself how the Lord sees me... That's a problem... And it's one that I haven't quite figured out the answer to.

What am I so afraid of? 

I am afraid of waking up when I am 40 years old and realizing that my life is just mediocre.
I am afraid the people that I love do not know that I love them because I don't tell them enough.
I am afraid the Lord may call me to place that I don't think I am ready for.
I am afraid that I am going to miss out on memories.
I am afraid my friends are going to one day stop wanting to be my friend.
I am afraid of people seeing me fail.
I am afraid of not living up to people's expectations of me.
I am afraid of losing my passion for the Lord.
I am afraid I am one day going to begin to fall for the lies that the world is trying to tell me.
I am afraid that I am not going to follow the Lord's will for my life.
I am afraid of upsetting those around me.
I am afraid of graduating and not having anything to do.
I am afraid of being vulnerable.
I am afraid of failing God.

Each of these fears limits me in some way or another... and I am tired of it. I am tired of being afraid... It's exhausting (Taylor Swift reference friends- Me and fear are never ever getting back together). I have been realizing these fears for a while now. Some of them are ones that go way back and some of them are fears that have just recently developed. Either way, I am ready for these fears to go.

When I was recently reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning I was struck by two things:

1. God's grace is abounding and that grace washes away fears.

"Living by grace inspires a growing consciousness that I am what I 

am in the sight of Jesus and nothing more." - Brennan Manning

2. Our Savior calls us to freedom... freedom of fear.

"He calls ragamuffins everywhere to freedom from the fear of death, 

freedom from the fear of life, and freedom from anxiety 

over our salvation." - Brennan Manning

I need to come to understand God's grace more. I need to understand the power of His grace that is unending and I need to full wrap my head around how much the Lord loves me. 

In John 15, Jesus says, "As the Father has loved me, that's how I love you, now abide in my love."

I want to learn to truly abide in His love... to truly dwell in His love. In those moments, all of those fears will begin to fade away. When I am so enamored with Him, those fears will no longer have a grip on me. 

Lord, I am sorry that I am giving into those fears. I am sorry that I believe the lies that these fears should be real and are valid. God, take away these fears. I am no longer defined by these fears, Jesus, I want to be defined by You. I love You.

My Biggest Enemy... Grey.

I have been thinking about this post for a while now and how to best articulate it all. Needless to say, I learned a ton about myself this summer. A ton. The Lord was really working in my heart and He showed me some things about myself that were hard to hear a little bit.

One of the first things I learned was... I hate emotions. Well not all emotions... I really like the warm, fuzzy ones that involve lots of sparkles and happiness, but the other ones that aren't so positive, like sadness, hurt, jealousy, anger... Yea, those ones, I hate. I avoid them like the plague really. I hate feeling or experiencing those emotions, but they're unavoidable. So when I begin to feel any of them, I try my best to identify the emotion and then I tend to run in the other direction, deny them, or bulldoze through them... whichever seems easiest and most appropriate.

There are a lot of reasons that I have come to dislike negative emotions I think, but the biggest one, is that I really really hate grey. I am not talking about the color grey, I am talking about a muddled, undefined, mess kind of grey. One that is the opposite of black and white.

Negative emotions fit into that grey category because they're usually hard to define. It's hard to really identify an emotion as solely anger or sadness. It's usually a combination of many, and at times, it's hard to even find a single word to describe a feeling other than blah.

Negative emotions are not the only thing that categorize the idea of grey. It's anything that is simply undefined or in a between stage. It's neither black nor white.

I've learned that I really prefer black and white. I like to have full understanding of a situation and to handle it immediately. I like the unknown to be discovered and addressed. If there is a conflict, I want to confront it and handle it and move on. If there are questions, let's ask them. If there is a misunderstanding, let's address it. I want to identify any emotion and wash it away instantly.

I would rather leave the grey, unknown, stuff for other people.

The issue is: I don't have control in the grey area.

The grey area scares me because there is tension and it isn't defined. I can't organize and fix everything when it's in the grey area. I lose control when I am sitting in the grey area.

And God has told me, "It's okay." It's okay to be in the grey area. In fact, it's more than okay to be in grey areas. The Lord calls us to grey areas at times. And for me, He calls me to grey areas because then I have to trust Him more than ever.

Sometimes, we simply must REST.

I don't have to fix everything. I don't have to confront every issue head on as soon as it arises. I don't have to make decisions instantaneously. I don't have to act on every thought. I don't have to identify every emotion.

I must be still.

There's a lot being thrown at me right now since I'm a senior, but I am not going to drive through it. I am going to take it slow and I am going to rest and be still along the way.

By resting and being still, I am TRUSTING the Lord. I trust that His plan is better than my own. I trust that He knows my heart better than I do. I trust that He knows what I will be doing next year even when I don't.

In the midst of learning all of this and realizing it about myself, I went on the Young Life leader retreat at Windy Gap. And there I learned our Young Life area's theme verses...

"Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for Him." - Psalm 37:7 

"Be still and know that I am God." - Psalm 46:10

So I am choosing to hang out in the grey area for a little bit... in the unknown. There may be lots of questions and chaos all around me, but the Lord has this under control. I don't need to fix anything right now or try to figure anything out... the Lord is handling it.

For once, I am going to try to be still and enjoy the grey.

Tarheel Leader Weekend 1.0: Riding Bikes

This weekend was the Tarheel Region Young Life Leader Retreat at Windy Gap in North Carolina. Windy Gap is one of my all-time favorite Young Life camps. It has a very special place in my heart with so many memories from high school and weekends spent on that beautiful property.

This weekend was truly incredible. I was able to relax and really begin to process what coming home from Timber Wolf meant and what it would look like. I learned a ton and I felt God in huge ways. Ty Saltzgiver was the speaker and he did a phenomenal job.

I will have another blog from this weekend I am sure, but for now, I want to share a parable that Ty shared with all of us. It's about riding a bike. And it is just a glimpse into everything I was learning this weekend.

"At first I saw God as my observer, my judge keeping track of the things I did wrong so as to know whether I merited Heaven or hell when I die. He was out there sort of like the president. I recognized His picture when I saw it-- but I didn't really know Him. But later one, when I began to really know Jesus it seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride-- but it was a tandem bike and I began to notice that Jesus was in the back helping me peddle.

I don't know just when it was that He suggested that we change places-- but I tell you LIFE has never been the same since. LIFE lived in a friendship with Jesus that is-- He makes LIFE so exciting.

When I had control, I knew the way and it was rather predictable. The shortest distance between two points was usually the path I took. But when Jesus took the lead, He knew delightful 'long cuts' up the mountains through rocky places at break neck speeds when all I could do was hang on to the bike. Even though it looked like madness-- He said, 'Peddle!'

I worried and I was anxious and I'd ask, 'Where are you taking me?' He'd laugh and He didn't answer. And I started to learn to trust in our friendship and living together. I forgot my boring life and I entered into His adventure. When I'd say, 'I'm scared', He'd lean back and touch my hand. He took me to people with gifts that I needed-- gifts of healing, gifts of acceptance, gifts of joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey-- that is our journey, Jesus and mine. And we were off again and He said, 'Give the gifts away. They are extra baggage-- too much weight.' And so I did. I gave to people we met along the way and I found that in giving I received even more and my burdens became light.

I did not trust Him at first to be in control of my life-- I thought He'd wreck it-- but He knows 'bike secrets'. He knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners-- to jump to clear high rocks-- to fly to shorten scary passages and I'm learning to just shut up and peddle into the strangest places and I am beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze in my face and my delightful constant companion-- my Lord, my true friends, my guide, my Jesus. When I am sure I just can't do it anymore, He smiles, looks back and says, 'Peddle.'"

This parable speaks so much truth to what it means to be in a relationship with Jesus Christ and to be surrendered completely to Him. It is the epitome of what it means to truly trust our Heavenly Father. 

This is just one part of an amazing weekend... so there is definitely more to come as a I process everything that Ty said and everything that the Lord is trying to reveal to me. 

10 Senior Year Rules to Live By

So supposedly I began my senior year today... at 8:00 AM. So that is weird. It was my last first day of class ever. It's kind of hitting me...

I only have one year left. And I want this to be the best year yet. I want this year to be big and full of life. 

I am daring myself to live a little differently this year... to not hold back and to really live. I have set 10 goals or guidelines for this year and I really hope to stick to them.

1.  LIVE PASSIONATELY- I want this to be a year that I live with a passion behind everything that I do. I want to find the things I love and DO them. I want to serve the Lord with a passionate heart. I want to lead my Young Life team passionately. I want to throw my entire heart behind things and I want to passionately declare the Lord's name in all that I do... as you can see, I am all about the passion.
2. LIVE FREELY- It is for freedom, that Christ has set us free (Gal. 5:1) and I want to live like that. It's not every year that I am a 21-year-old senior at the University of North Carolina- Chapel Hill... but it is this year. I am at a point in my life where I am not tied down by a lot and I want to fully embrace that. I don't want to live this year confined by boundaries, but instead I want to run wild and free and experience the freedom that Christ intended for us.
3. BE SPONTANEOUS- Road trip to Nashville? Why not? Fly to Chicago? Sure. Dance in the rain? You betcha. As T-Swift would say, "Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain..."
4. GIVE EXTRAVAGANTLY- I want to be a person this year that is always giving. I want to be able to pour out from the overflow of Christ that is in me. I want to be giving of time to all of the people that are around me. The Lord has blessed me with so many incredible friendships and relationships and I want to give my time to those. I want to be able to truly value the people that are in my life by giving away of myself to them. In Luke 6:30 it says "give to everyone who asks of you" and I want to live that out this year. 
5. DON'T MISS THE SMALL THINGS- One of the biggest things that I learned this summer was to appreciate the small things. In the small things of this summer I experienced the Lord in a completely new way and I felt so incredibly blessed. I want to fully take in Chapel Hill in the fall, the beauty of Saturday football games, the simplicity of coffee in the morning, and the joy of North Carolina weather. I don't want to miss those things at all... therefore, I am going to start another page on this blog where I will post one small thing from everyday that spoke to me. I want it to be a page that shows where I see God everyday.
6. ADVENTURES- This one definitely relates a little bit to the spontaneity goal, but I do want to be adventurous this year. I want to experience God in nature by going on outdoor adventures. I live in one of the best states for outdoor recreation and I want to fully embrace that... so hiking, camping, fishing, fun, here I come!!!
7. EXTEND GRACE DAILY- This is one goal that may be more challenging at times, but it is one that I know is extremely important. The grace that has been given to me by my Heavenly Father is immeasurable and because of that I must extend that grace back out. I want to keep short accounts and I want to live outside of myself.
8. BE BOLD- Enough said.
9. LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY AND ALWAYS- I am currently reading Love Does by Bob Goff and I am beginning to realize that I have a lot to learn on love and a lot of ways that I can improve loving people. Simply put, love does. Love moves things and love changes things and I want to love God, the people around me, my ECHHS  friends, my Young Life team, my Timber Wolf friends all around, and the world in such a new way. 
10. NO EXPECTATIONS- I don't want to live with any expectations this year. My expectations will only limit God. The Lord has taught me that He knows far better than I do and that He has a plan far superior to my own, therefore, I will give my expectations to Him. My only expectation is that the Lord will be faithful.

Let's get it senior year. I'm ready for ya.